Daydream

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SIZE="7" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Blackadder ITC" ><B>Through the Eyes of a Ruby</b></FONT></div> <div> <IMG SRC="001f4010.gif" border=0 width="500" height="1" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> <B>~We're forever frozen...forever beautiful...forever lost inside ourselves...~</b></div> <div> <B>_______________________________________________________________________________</b></div> <div> <B>        </b><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Times New Roman" >*This is my domain....a glimpse into my brain....</FONT></div> <div> So im at northwestern...people are really nice and from all over...but i mean what else would someone expect on their first day/night</div> <bR> <div> There have been many movies I've watched these past couple days....which incluced alot on IFC.....i idolize that channel...movies seem to be more clever and well done as opposed to the hollywood "big action" or mindless entertainment produced to attract the majority and make money....fuck that...these movies on IFC are original....witty and make you think....but ya anyways i watched this one about this dude who goes to a small town and at a moment where hes being questioned by the townspeople , snaps under presure and claims hes going to kill himself.....then all of the sudden people become obsessed with him and start bringing him gifts and doing kind things for him.....it portrays our obsession with morbidity (is that a word?).....and when the dude tries to tell the town he doesnt wanna commit suicide anymore.....well they force him into it......either the town was the extreme definition of bored or we as humans have some strange intrest in death and dying</div> <div> Been going to pj's alot......most of the week its just pj, jeff, dan and the other jeff but occasionaly there are others....and on friday and sat nights.....all the weston high kids come and some of the gfa kids....people get rather messed up rather fast and i enjoy sitting and watching them.....people who may have otherwise seemed incredibly insecure before the drinks or drugs now seem normal and happy and outgoing.....and then those who were super confident and social become akward and absent of self esteem.....and you can tell these things by peoples slightest facial expressions or movements in their hands, the way they walk or their interaction with  people and things.....so is it the alcohol or drugs altering their state of mind...or revealing some hidden quality that when sober the person purposely or involentarily hides under a veil of self loathing</div> <bR> <bR> <div> Made some money....watched some movies....slept...and now i feel better....im bored but i can stick it out for a couple weeks...</div> <div> I heard something disconcerting about a friend at college....guys taking advantage of her when she was drunk...not your highschool taking advantage...i mean this is kicking and screaming....saying no...being locked in a bathroom.....but i guess the kicking and screaming worked...the guys got scared or something.....i dont know...that would scare the fuck outa me.....why do guys do that kidna shit? are their dicks really that small that they cant get a chic without force or date rape?  She even told me they were good looking.....i dont understand it.....</div> <div> Maybe its the way they think of girls...so many frosh chics go to college, drink so much, wear slutty clothes, cant handle their liquor or the peer presure, lack self respect, and let guys take advantage of them...are ashamed of what happened, and either become total whores or isolate themselves from the world...crawl away into corners, become afraid of relationships....</div> <div> wow.....how could someone treat my friend like that?  How could people let that happen to her?...If you are forcefully dragged into a bathroom wouldnt other people see it?  Why did no one do anything????  Cause this girl is not one of those frosh whores....she wouldnt set herself up for something like that....but i think that there are so many that do guys jsut figure they can pick their woman as though theyre some kind of animal and treat them like jsut that.....its disgusting.....both the guys who do that sort of thing and the people who see it happening but ignore it....do nothing about it....let it happen.....your all fucking guilty </div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> we don't want anyone to mind us so we play the roles that they assigned us </div> <div> she does nothing to conceal it he touches her 'cause he wants to feel it </div> <div> we blame her for being there </div> <div> but we are all guilty!!!</div> <bR> <div> So i had a discussion with Will a couple days ago about girls and how they manipulate and play these awful games....they say they like you and pretend they want you but then reject you....come back to you....tell you what u want to hear...lie to you cause they arnt brave enough to jsut come out with it.....</div> <div> Yes girls are nasty like that.....why do they do it??.....i think girls do that kinda shit cause they have insecurities....they want attention ffrom guys....they wanna see if they can get a boy hooked on them....a boy who loves them and tells them sweet things....would do anything for them....but once a relationship is perfect like that the girl needs to create drama to keep the attention.....jelousy comes in to play....if the boy doesnt pay full attention to the girl the girl gets pissed off and plays games to get the affection....but if the girl does get all the attention she feels smothered by the guy and wants something new so she pushes him away.  </div> <div> She wants to see how many guys she can get to love her.....</div> <div> She wants to break up with him but is to much of a coward so she ignores him, fights with him, tells him she wants to take a break....and hopes he'll either get the point or break up with her so she doesnt have to do it</div> <div> Cmon girls.....everyone of us has done something like this at some point....they do have emotions you know...they jsut arnt always that good at showing them....they prefer to bottle their feelings inside till they explode into some rush of anger....</div> <div> but girls arnt the only ones to blame....</div> <div> guys also lie to keep girls by their side....but i think with girls its more of an emotional thing......they want the guy to be emotionaly attached.....they need that love and respect and attention and power......guys on the other hand i think its more of a sexual thing....they wanna see how many girls they can have under their controll....</div> <div> so girls hurt guys and guys hurt girls in different ways......</div> <div> when a guy becomes a player...trys to get as much sex outa someone as he can....lies to a girl to get what he wants...its more of an ego thing.....so when a girl gets annoying or doesnt put out or whatever hes kidna like...fuck you! and more directly and more harshly pushes her away......now if a girl did that to a guy the guy would call her a bitch...and get over her more quickly....but since girls are emotional creatures they analyse every little detail as though there is something wrong with them...or thinks they might have once had something and asks herself what she did wrong....so she bitches and whines to herself and all her friends.....and goes on</div> <div> i think what a girl does to a guy, however, is a little more dangerous....cause she plays with emotions....she gets controll...she gets him to want/love her...and then plays games with his mind untill he is completly worn down....heartbroken and emotionaly crushed....and since guys arnt very good at expressing their emotions they hold all the pain in...become depressed....obsess</div> <bR> <div> Now im, not saying this is true of all girls and guys.....in lif enothing is black and white....but i think on the surface, especialy with short lasting relationships...this is what tends to happen</div> <div> I also think that alot of people are jsut in it for the thrill of the catch...once they catch the boy or girl...it gets old quickly.....everyone wants what they cant have. </div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> you make yourself so, so visible, and now i feel like i'm in the tread of some bastard jealousy. up here, above the avenue, up here, where the things you do, they lend me a problem with the language, split my seams and then they drop in a fuse</div> <bR> <div> All these new insecurities....this is harder then i thought it would be.....i'v been away from all my friends....and iv missed them...but not like now....because i dont have some new world aorund me to explore...i am still in weston...and westport....and this general area...that has so many memories....where every park or eatery or corner or street reminds u of someone...sometime....and when u go out at night....its the same people....i dont mind them...some of them i love....but they are all close friends with eachother....and if u dont get along with one they all leave u out.....what fucking highschool drama that is.....they'll take along those that u are close with....and u jsut come along by association....what is that bullshit?  but when everyone else is gone its either that or sit aorund on the big couch with a good movie or fall asleep to smashing pumpkins......this isnt me or my life.....these past two weeks are filled with goodbyes and losses.....but im not leaving yet...im still here...nothing new...just the old and everything that once made it great is slipping away.....so for the next 3 weeks im left with insecurities......i still have my one close friend but i cant always expect him to stay away from this new group of friends i frankly dont wanna be a part of...and in actuality its only one person....who has some great affect on people.....its strange but it makes me feel uncomfortable...like iv wandered into someone elses territory.....i need options...i need my other friends to hang out with .....i need something new.....i need school to start.....fuck all of this highschool bullshit...i thought i was leaving that behind with graduation.....in fact up till this point i havnt felt like this since middle school.....but its part of life....its something plenty have been through...so i'll hide in my corner.....i'll defend my friends and my oppinions....and know that no one is there to defend me this time.....im alone in a familiar world.....nothin worse then that....</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> he's alone his mind is his own town where all his thoughts run aground they fall all over and down </div> <bR> <div> I dont know what the act of reaccounting the events of the day does.....8 am...wake up...815...eat breakfast.....sit on ass....go to lunch with so and so....blah blah......it seems pointless....so why do people do it?  Are there short term memories failing them?   Are they writing this all down because they may want to know what they did on friday august 23 2002 ....30 yrs from now?  I mean if a major event occurs or even a small pivital one...by all means record it......but otherwise whats the point?  Maybe its some sort of excersize....helps you learn how to record events for when u become n acclaimed journilist for the New York Times.....who knows....i think its silly though.....sometimes i rather remember things in a faded distorted version of what they once were...cause our minds always tend to glorify things....like our brains account for all the emotions we felt during that little get together at the beach a yr ago when everyone jumped into the water at midnight.....or some other foolish thing that probly wasnt that big of a deal at the time but now your memory has magnified and distorted it so greatly that you recall it as being one of the best memories u have with your friends.....I like to be tricked in good ways by my mind like that.....much better then recalling some mundane walk...and some average party......i prefer to let certain things stand out in my memory...and other memories turned aorund into something better then what it actualy was.....but i guess in a way these glorified images are cause for nostalgia.....</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> Happieness is not something that we experience.....its something that we remember</div> <bR> <div> I said goodbye to Kenny yesterday....Nick left yesterday as well.  I'm starting to feel more and more alone.  I know we will all be back together in a couple months during vacation.....but in the truest sence of the sp lyrics "and our lives have forever changed...we will never be the same" i fear that we will never be as close as we are now.  Most of these people Iv known since 7th grade...kate iv known since before that...although she lived in canada for awhile.  The truth is that these people are a part of me.....wether they have known it or not they are always there for me.....even if that means putting a smile on my face....giving me a kick in the ass....or telling me that im worth more then that.....we have sung together, cried together, laughed together, smiled together...ate slept and drank together.....weve been through deaths, drugs, sex, misery, tradgedy, tears, pain of all sorts together.....as well as the adventures, excitement, love, broken hearts, gratitude and bonding experiences together.....weve gone cliff jumping, camping, road trips, field trips, sleep overs, 5 min car rides, the beach, the snow, the mind, the mall., the movies.....all those things that friends do....weve grown together and i feel as though iv watched each one of my friends change and flourish into some sort of beautiful creation....i remember the way they were and how they are now and wonder when i missed them transform....it was because i was watching all along and didnt notice the small changes in them because i was changing right along with them......so they are a part of me...and each time one leaves....they take a peice of me with them...so my heart feels incomplete....its been thrown around and taken to some college far away.  I wonder when i see them again will things be the same?  No...cause this time they will have transformed and grown without me....and i will notice this time because i didnt witness the small changes while growing with them.....I know they will all be as beautiful as ever but i will no longer be a part of that...i will no longer be partly responsible for the amazing person they have developed into.....and they will not be the reason i have changed so much.....but i know at this point in our lives we have a place for eachother....and the people we are today will never be forgotten and will always hide somewhere deep inside our souls.....so that no one will be lsot to our memories......and althoguh we change and may never be as close as we are now....we will still be those people reuniting and reminicing in the back of the diner....laughing and crying as those that we have watched reunite in the diner before us.  And although "great love will one day have to end" i know that there is more great love waiting out there for all of us...we will make new friends and create new lives....and take the people that have shaped and molded us into what we are today along for the ride....and it will be beautiful</div> <div> Thanks guys</div> <div> No one will ever love, live and party like you guys could....and I am probly the luckiest chic in the world to have friends as wonderful as u all. I LOVE YOU!</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B> love the open road and all that it suggests </b></div> <div> <B>wheel wagon dust weeds and infidelities and </b></div> <div> <B>always for a love never question why </b></div> <bR> <div> So I heard about this new show on K-rock in the car with jeff yesterday....you know those two chics out in cali i think it was...who were kidnapped, raped and then nearly murdered?...well they have just been given a reality tv show called "Survive this"....the sick thing is that this show that the two rape victims will be hosting will consist of releasing real sex offenders in some area with the contestants...who then must escape and survive with these sex offenders and find safety.....now i was shocked when i heard this....jeff was too but he said he would still watch it.....alot of people would watch it....why are we so drawn to sick and horrible things such as that....i mean if the contestant loses do they get raped? i wanna know the deal here...and i would wanna know how many Americans would watch this....alot im sure....its sad that these rediculous reality based shows appeal to us so greatly....i think this time theyve gone too far.,</div> <bR> <div> Another floor another ceiling </div> <div> Counting stairs with double meanings </div> <bR> <div> Kate and Fleetwood are gone....kenny and nick leave after this weekend......and even more will be gone after next week.  Its starting to feel weird...all these goodbyes....but i feel as though i will see them all in the halls of gfa in a couple weeks....thanksgiving and christmas and such will come around and i'll kiss and hug them all...we'll reminice and talk about our new lives....but things are about to alter completly....</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> Kick me out</div> <div> let me go </div> <div> I don't belong here no more</div> <div> A releasing sense of getting tired</div> <div> Hold myself</div> <div> I can't hold myself </div> <bR> <div> Every time i put on a pair of shades i feel like tom cruise in risky bussiness</div> <div> I think my mom is hungover she wont stop yelling....i think my head is about to explode....she has to bitch about everything</div> <div> Currently im watching a documentary on hbo about homosexuals in nazi germany.....supposedly in the 1920's Berlin was a homosexual haven.....lots of crazy things goin on....lots of nudist colonys and such</div> <div> I want to become a tatoo artist</div> <div> I want to learn how to play drums</div> <div> I want to fall in love....perminantly...not jsut for a month or two</div> <div> I want to travel the world....see everything there is to see</div> <div> I think i need more sleep</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> Teenage angst has paid off well</div> <bR> <div> I feel overwhelmed.....i have so much to do before college but im not sure what it is I have to do....get some friends together before they all leave....sign up or look at classes....well do i have to do that when i get to chicago or while im still at home?.....im not sure.....but without my medicine everything seems muddled into a big mess of string all knotted and twisted......which color shall i unravel first?</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> Don't you want to feel ?</div> <bR> <div> Nantucket.....what an intresting place.....spend the day at the beach...watching movies...at the internet cafe......spend the nights roaming the strip...searching for booze...going to beach parties......Dani.....always playing blues guitar....eating pudding...or with pen in hand scribbling down her latest thought or observation.....and me....well doing whatever it is i normaly do.......</div> <div> there were only a couple days with good waves so i never really went surfing this yr :( ....just body boarding......will and his friend nick came to visit before dani arrived.....and although we never went to some wild raging party i enjoyed their company jsut chillen on the beach.....and of course being held and holding on to by the boy i love in the ocean......as soon as dani came though we ofund all the locals we knew from the previous summer along with some new ones.....most of which were very cool people......and im so glad dani came this yr cause in those times of boredom we philosophised and analysed people, society, music and what ever else was on our minds.....i forgot to take pics this yr though.....i think because things were more scattered on the island ....those who werte friends last yr had split apart due to getting sick of eachother over the winter....and the range had been turned into a motercycle path.....so we spent most nights at nobedeer...meeting Lithuanians and getting hit on by the ATV cops.....it was fun of course but now im anxiously awaiting college here in the boring town of weston</div> <bR> <div> Don't think 'cos I understand,</div> <div> I care, don't think 'cos I'm talking we're friends,</div> <bR> <div> Summer has left me with nothing deep to say...all is inexplicable lust and foolishness that is nothing but better in the real world and during the school year....but i like it that way...not having to have a tortured soul as we all do when things are not so carefree and shallow as they are now......if u want deeper writing scroll to the bottom of the page.....iv done some stupid things this summer....without thinking...but at the moment all is right...all friendships and otherwise have been repaired and set right.....yet already im feeling nostalgia for all those i love and will be leaving in the fall.....but i know a new chapter in my life will begin.....i will make new friends and have new experiences that will change my life and shape the person i will become......look to the future but always remember your past...do not pine for it but rather use it as a tool to guide you through the things that are to come....thats what i beleive in....cause we can never go back...only forward....and i cant wait to see what this life has in store for me tonight...tomorow...next week....in 20 yrs.....i cant wait to live and eat up whatever is put in my path.....in the words of Martha stewart "its a good thing"</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> Treat your life like a tragedy, self-inflict abuse</div> <div> Treat your life like a tragedy, precious else to choose</div> <div> Crucify yourself, I hope you find yourself</div> <bR> <div> In a low place like home</div> <div> Low place like home</div> <bR> <div> What exactly is the truth....is it fact...people's understanding of fact....what you beleive is to be the truth?  Your truth is not necisarily someone elses truth.....the way in which you perceive things is biast and although it may be your fact its a lie to someone else</div> <bR> <div> I hate dishonesty...i hate games that people play....i hate the way a close friend can quickly be absorbed into their own world...forget u exist...pick u up when they need u and then lash out on you when mad....."i dont wanna be your...down time...i dont wanna be your fall back crutch anymore"  everclear got that right......i dont feel that way with most of my friends.....we are there for eachother equally....and sure we lose our heads sometimes...snap and speak the unspeakable....but it jsut feels different...it doesnt hurt in the same way...maybe becuase it built up over time....its the final bit of presure on the needle that pricks your skin and makes u bleed....thats how delicate it is....</div> <bR> <div> I was wrong about devoloping the past into some knew picture.....as i learned during the past couple weeks and finally peiced together after a movie tonight....glory daze is a good movie by the way.....u gotta live...learn and then let go....no holding on or seeking answers from the past......</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> I like pleasure spiked with pain </div> <div> and music is my aeroplane</div> <div> Its my aaaerrroooplane</div> <bR> <div> WOW i havnt written in awhile.....things are as things were only with more stuff.....and stuff is always change yet intresting wether its good or bad</div> <div> i just put that in to confuse u</div> <div> so we were driving down the road the other night and i threw a can tab oput the window.....jeff yelled at me cause he said he would get a ticket for me littering out his car...but i told him they cant give u a ticket unless the peice of trash is bigger then your fist....so he asked if a crumpled up bag is over fist limit if its actualy crumpled to smaller then your fist...i told him yes because at its absolute largest size it is bigger then your fist.......but then he brought up those little foamy bath dinasour things.....the one that are hard and small till u add water and then they grow to be giant sponges....so lets say u throw one of those out the window...its obviously smaller then your fist...but then it hits the wet road and grows to be giant.....then what? would it be ticket worthy littering....please ponder this question and tell me what u think</div> <div> earlier that night i was sitting in some park in norwalk on a poncho under a little orange umbrella in the rain....discussing vucaville with a boy with blue hair (kenny ) and jeff....they said the population in vucaville was too (since they were smoking and i wasnt) so i got mad and said i was a visitor...so now its , e, i, o, u, jeff, kenny and sometimes barbara</div> <div> minority report is a good movie i dont care what anyone else says...the little contraptions and the futuristic world they created i thought was quite impressive....i like these films that portray the future...its kinda weird to see different perspectives....like clockwork orange...as we were discussing the other night...well mostly dan was telling us....and how its a british/russion portrayal done in the 70s about the future and how it revolves around vilonce and sex....now the future deffinitly didnt turn out the way the movie said it would...but its still intresting to watch</div> <div> i think about the deepest and most intresting things when i cant write them down...mainly in the car5 while driving home at night or during my dreams...and im always to tired to wake myself up and write them down...and i have the most epiphanys while high but can never remember them....sometimes i think some of my ideas could change the world or facinate millions of people...but then i wonder if the reason i think that is cause im high and if i thought the same idea when sober it might be stupid</div> <div> im a very artificial thinker in the summer....i just feel...and i dont need an explination of where those feelings come from because the emotion is enough...my heart is on fire and i am light and bouncing....thank god for summer</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> On thursday morning i developed the worst stomache flu known to man....in fact it wasnt even a flu...it was an attempt to turn barbara's stomache inside out.....i'm talkin projectile here....the doctor instructed to give me some European muscle relaxer that would put me to sleep....a type of codene....and no u dont take it oraly....and although it did put me to sleep...i still woke up every half hour on the dot to resume puking....yesterday i just lay in bed....every time i sat up i would get nausious again...so most of the day i spent laying in bed...by night i was ok enough to take a bath and go chill out in the kitchen....but lets jsut say it wasnt fun...besides having to go to the hospital for another stomache problem i once had...this was the most horrible i ever felt</div> <div> Ever since we graduated iv been eating free food from graduation parties and drinking....and drinking and drinking every single night.....as of a couple days ago i weighed 155 lb.....almost more then i have ever weighed before.....but thismorning as i stumbled from bed feeling sickly and week i looked again.....i now am 130 lb.....which is absolutly disgusting for someone who is 5'9......in other words...when i feel one hundred percent better i have alot of eating to do....:) which is aswome since eating is my favorite thing......but baisicly kids....if u know someone who developes this crazy flu.....stay away...keep your distance...do not come within 100 miles of their relatives.....this is somthing from the depths of hell that u will want to avoid.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> So now you know, who gets mystified</div> <div> Show me the power child, I'd like to say</div> <div> That I'm down on my knees today</div> <div> It gives me the butterflies, gives me away</div> <div> Till I'm up on my feet again</div> <div> I'm feeling outshined</div> <bR> <div> I think sarcasm is a great tool....it keeps people on there toes...makes people unsure of wether you are being serious or fucking around</div> <bR> <div> Finally all those little stupid things people spend too much time putting thought into are finding their way out of my life.....and instead im beggening to anticipate the greatest summer that ever was.....its gonna be a hot one....but physicly and.......well in that other way.....haha...but ya...im hoping to go to lots of shows....doin alot of partying...and having alot of sex.....and hopefully some more of those unexpected times...like the random fireworks , adventures in a pick up truck....becoming friends with some old friends.....and jsut chillen on the beach with the cool people you loved all through highschool.....my heart is pointed in the right direction this time.....or at least i hope.....and im gettin that tingly sensation all up and down my spine.....hell ya i cant wait to jump into the ocean or off a 40 ft cliff into a river.....or taking that road trip to six flags or camping out in upstate ct....it all sounds good to me</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> Now I'm the kid who put the shit back in place and I'm the one who threw it back in your face.</div> <div> It took a little bit of intellectual shit, diversity and wit.</div> <bR> <div> Life is better now.....i knew it would only last a couple days...or at worst weeks.....but things always improve when u least expect them too.....it always helps to meet new people....new people who u will see in the future and garentee a good time......and at the same time revisiting the old...people who have been with u along the way and give u the strength and comfort u need to be yourself for the rest of eternity.....</div> <div> Iv been considering....yes considering things latley.....the new and old mixed is an intresting flavor....</div> <div> here we go with some abstract writing fueled by very specific thinking......u have that which u predict will never change....something stuck in a life that cant be escaped for the time being....something like me....only i think of the future....of the new that is approaching...and can hope for a continuation of the old....only in new ways.....can u follow this?.....let me rephrase....what if i can take the old and while keeping the past in mind...move forward into something incredible...u have the security and the trust and the knowledge.....so maybe u can use that...with a little sugar mixed in....haha...u know, for taste......and then the present....which is jsut happiness.....these things mixed together....wow....thats gotta be a hell of a drink......hell of a ride.....make some impressions on your forbidden field....</div> <bR> <div> its very subtle but its there.....</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> Bye June</div> <div> I hope you make it too</div> <div> I'm wishing you're there too</div> <div> I hope you make it June</div> <bR> <div> I'm lost.....it feels as though slowly everything is slipping out of my fingers....loose amongst the pollen blowing through the trees....its the stuff tears are made of...when u cant quite concentrate...your head feels all fuzzy.....your nose fills up and tears drain from your eyes.....and you have no idea why....u jsut feel the wind against your skin.....and u wonder why u can only feel that sensation physicly....why your soul cant feel that way...so free...and light...and breathy.....u wish to forget the past...long for the future....want to kiss the boy and push away the alcohol.....u want to get lsot in the whispers of a sunny day.....a star lit night.....the things u think are beautiful in the world.....u want to hold on and never let go.....fill the emptiness inside of u...while letting the lead of your head escape....to find security and balance in a world of chaos.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> And you're mistaken, It's you that's faking</div> <div> Living and breathing and dying too</div> <div> This message is for anyoine who dares to hear a fool</div> <div> You can't bring me back, you can't bring me back</div> <div> Cause I give it all back to you</div> <bR> <div> We all need something different to fill the emptiness within us.....we need people who we can relate to yet offer us something thats more then we are...something we admire and aspire to be...something beautiful beyond ourselves...its like music...u have the drum...the person who keeps the rythem...the beat...sets an outline or a guide for us to follow.....the basist....a continuation of the beat...complimenting the guitar....which often times plays the melody....or some fantastic solo that is complimented by the other instruments yet offers an organized confusion of sound.....sometimes these roles interchange....its a complex relationship....a musical partnership that is also evident in social webs....in friendship, ..comraderie and love.....hatred and dislike and irritation.......we all need something new and exciting to fill our hearts and minds....wether bad or good it fills us...those people and relationships....makes us complete...they fit together with us like puzzle peices and share their knowledge and talents to make us part of the human experience.....so in essence....however alone we might feel...and however much we despise people and are tempted to be isolated...we must cationships in order to survive and progress as a race...in order to continue and devlope our emotions...untill we feel pain and love and have passion so strong and beyond anything we could imagine to exist that we all explode into some euphoric state of being.....</div> <div> what the hell am i talking about?</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> Destroy the mind-destroy the body-but you cannot destroy the heart</div> <bR> <bR> <div> A week before graduation your whole perspective of your friends changes......the class trip...a prom or two......it all really opens up your eyes to those u feel inside....those who have always been there for you and those u convinced yourself of....but when it comes down to thick and thin...they go with the majority...leaving u behind in the dust.....they contradict you...and dont trust your judgement....tell you that u are stupid...or another friend of yours is stupid......has a problem with u but instead of having the courage to confront u and talk to u about it...seek help from everyone else...most of whom dont have any idea who u really are......so u close your eyes and count your blessings.....and those who are there to pick up the peices...those who sacrafice a good time...their integrity...their disbeleif...all for you....those who recall the times u'v been their for them...become a peice of who they are and want to do the same for u.....sometimes without u having done anything for them at all.......those are friends....the ones you can depend on...the ones u hope to remember and visit for the rest of your lifetime...watch them get married...have kids...win some award for their prosperous career....the rest are just feeble attempts at relationships.....ones that break down by the influence of another...by their own raging egos.....beleiving they know more then you do....feel more then you do.....</div> <div> But knowing this is one class trip.....and one prom.....well these experiences wont ruin my friendships....they just set them back...cause me to lose trust.....and i will not be stepped upon so dont expect an easy ride...god knows i dont rebuilding a friendship i destroyed throguh my own self centeredness.........next time.....tell me the truth.....confront me if u think i have a problem with u (i will tell u the truth)....dont look down on my judgement or a friends....when we ahve mroe an idea of whats going on and have in the past saved u from your own judgement.....and most of all....dont lie to me, ditch me, disregard me......just because of some other people and what they want.....that probly hurts most of all....im sick of all this teenage drama....help me escape into the real world!</div> <bR> <div> Sometimes in order for us to understand how much we truley hurt someone...someone has to do it to us first........im sorry for what i did and i'll never throw a friendship away again because im too weak.....and im sorry i couldnt have been there the first time around....</div> <bR> <div> Everyone forgives eventualy....sometimes it jsut takes alot more then an apology....</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> I break every day</div> <div> stressed out in every kind of way</div> <div> I am sick and tired of being sick and tired</div> <div> all I need and crave</div> <div> is a loud life with the power to fade</div> <div> I am living because I keep it all inside</div> <bR> <bR> <div> Sometimes i wonder about my mom as a social aspect of our culture......she's the house wife...or at least thats what an outside source might call her...but their is alot mroe too my mom.....she makes being a house wife like running a bussiness.....shes a housewife like its her job as lauren might say....today for example...the couch delivery men come to drop off furniture we have been waiting for....for god knows how long...she whines adn bitches about them being late wishing she had their cell phone number....finally they arive...she glances up at the clock and explaims "its about time"...and runs to great them with the excitement of her new uphulstered arival.......two non american delivery men are u rushiong in the heavy couch while my mom franticly follows them with her bright red face and alarming round blue eyes....and flashing bleach blond hair.....rambling on and on...instructing them on what to do where to go with no hesitation....as though shes some important financial dude on wallstreet closing a deal.......i mean this is not friendly chit chat...this is demanding highly intense gabering......they put down the couch and she begins telling them where to move it...but wait is this the large one ro small one...the small one is supposed to go here...wait they did this on the wrong end...oh no they got it wrong ...is this the small one? or the long one? which one? they messed it up didnt they?......and in between each of these questions....the delivery men struggle with their english....stuttering out a few sylabols when my mother chimes in with the answer they are supposed to be supplying...either that or another question......she begins making a phone call to yell at the people who she ordered the couch from.....telling them its the wrong one and explaining the suffering and pain she has had to endure during the past couchless months.....she discusses, bussiness like....stern and angry and condesending to the lower lifeform on the other end of the wire...meanwhile the por delivery men are struggling with the second couch.,...which is getting stuck against the door handle....where my mom is supposed to be helping holding the door....i go to help and escort them in...where they wait as my mom continues her frantic phone call....blaring at the two men standing akwardly in the middle of the room next too two ominous couches.......absolutly hysterical too me.....i cant stop laughing and all three take a moment to look over at me with a quizical look of frustration.......thats my mom.....she knows her position in the social heirachy and treats it like shes a very important bussiness associate who has little incomitant worker ants working under her.......sometimes i try to imagine these people who come to our house to work on the addition, mow the lawn....clean the house...whatever....as they are driving from our house......releived, humiliated or dying of laughter due to the crazy mad woman they jsut encountered.....</div> <bR> <div> People should fall in love with their eyes closed....Just close your eyes. Don't look. ~Andy Warhol</div> <bR> <div> Things never work out the way we imagine.....but as u grow u learn this...and learn to accept it...so u fantasize or imagine all week what something will turn out to be like...a party, a guy, a song......a night...but chances are things will twist and turn and distort till faint shades of gray remain amongst the outline of your own intuition.....and isntead you will be thrown into an experience completly the opposite of what you expected......life is fun that way....i mean sure....for a kid first learning this about life its terrible...nothing seems to go your way....but as years go on you learnt o turn these nights into something positive...no matter how small or insignificant the change of events may seem to impact your life......like this whole weekend....i was so excited and it turned out completly different that what i had planned......and although i missed out on whatever i was imagining i had fun in ways i wouldnt have expected...meeting some really cool kid who writes punk reviews.....liv driving my car....a girls night out...getting cool grunger clothes in the village with dani...nothin planned jsut kidna turned out that way.....and as boring as the story might be to tell.....i think i had a great time......no matter how many hours we sat in the diner playing cards.....or sitting on a train into ny...or sitting on a cold beach in the rain......when your with the right people all those wrongs turn to rights.......so kids...when your planning your weekends....doing something cool isnt always what u need to figure out.....just call up a couple of close friends...close your eyes and be carried away with whatever hits u...spontinaiety (if i ever learn how to spell) is a good word......</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> we set up our falls hold on tight to your fears cause that's your hatred and that's your love as well learn to use your fears as a fuel as an engine to get you where you need to be i must always remember there's no point to surrender i shift</div> <bR> <div> The word of the week is relationships.....seems like everyones got one nowadays...or just got out of one...or is in the midst of finding one...me on the other hand....suprise! nothin.....so im the chic everyone talks to...they tell me about their heartache, heartbreak and the romantic and perfect moments of their lives...of the best sex theyve ever had and what they plan to do next weekend or how much they loved so and so and they broke up with him for no reason......or how shes imature...or how he just doesnt understand and doesnt appreciate...and how theyv gotten into so many fights......iv heard it ALL this week and from many many different couples or ex-couples......is the single girl the nuetral one? the safe one to talk to?....i mean i dont mind it...im flattered that people feel as tho they can talk to me....but its been depressing me .....either cause i empathize with the heartbroken ones....remembering the time i was their myself....or i become depressed on those beautiful moments that im missing out on.....actualy theres only two good relationships iv been hearing about...m-l and nick....which has its problems but sounds pretty damn potent......and phil and staceys....wow.....they make u so happy when u are around them because they never fight and are so perfect for eachother and make u beleive that true love is possible.....but then after u cant see them anymore u become so depressed cause u feel like you'll never be in a relationship like that....and the whole jelousy thing kicks in.....u would all do the same...u would say...wow why cant i find someone who makes me feel the way they feel about eachother...grrrr....ah relationships.....for the most part make u depressed when your in them and depressed when your not.....i like that whole pre-relationship thing...when uv got a crush on the person and they subtely flirt with u....and hang out with u alot...and the moment u find out they have a crush on u too...bang....its that 5th grade feeling all over again......aw well....i guess some of us are jsut destined to be out in the world on our own<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FFFFCC" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> (i will look back on this and re-read it tomorow and thank god i am not so damn mushy, girly and sentimental all the time)</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> ocean pulls me close and whispers in my ear </div> <div> the destiny i've chose all becoming clear </div> <div> the currents have their say the time is drawing near </div> <div> washes me away makes me disappear </div> <div> and i descend from grace in arms of undertow </div> <div> i will take my place in the great below </div> <bR> <div> I watched a lax game for the first time ever thursday night....that game is fuckin aswome...like the guys were running around knocking eachother over and hitting eachother with long sticks......it was so exciting and usualy i hate watching sports.....now i still think the girls version of lax sucks dick...but the guys game...couldnt get enough of it.....only it was kinda weird cause the audience would cheer when a goal was scored...me on the other hand,,,i cheered when someone had a nice tackle or check....whatever its called....and when they wacked people with sticks.....yess!!! i love their big long sticks...<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FFFFCC" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> Anyway i went to this party last night and i noticed that i always befriend the strangest people.....one was this girl who was raped by her dad when she was younger.....and was quite dumb but she was a really nice girl anyway...then some college guy who kept repeating the word college and talked about how much he drank in COLLEGE.....and at one pt i bent over to change the tv station and i guess my thong showed a bit cause for the rest of the night he was goin around tellin everyone i had a nice thong.....aaahhh...and then he was trying to convince me to go back to his dorm with that other chic and a couple more people...no thanks i think I'll stay here :) </div> <div> Then there was this guy who had recently been dumped by his gf....and he told me about what happened and how he felt over the course of the night.....every now and then repeating things cause...well he was drunk...and i mean i do that all the time so i didnt mind....but then in the morning when he was sober...he proceeded to repeat everything he had told me the night before...and i kept saying...ya u told me....and he kept apologising.....hehe...and someone gave him a sweatshirt to wear at some pt cause he was pretty wasted...as many were....and was shivering...but anyway the sweatshirt turned out to belong to the sister of the guy who was having the party.....so it was a nice tight girlie hoodie.....he woke up and asked us all what he was wearing....at that pt i regreted going farther the previous night and transforming him into a drag queen.....actualy i coulda done that to msot of the guys who were there......the hot one i wanted downed a bottle of soco....was quite sloppy for the rest of the night....and B was out of luck :(<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FFFFCC" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> Maybe next time Barbara<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FFFFCC" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> Phil stacey and i were talking about our past relationships and how phil and stacey were having the longest relationship that either of them ever had...plus not one fight or problem yet (it is destiny!) haha anyways i told them i havnt gone out with anyone since justin.....which was ...ummm last summer....and before that it was phil from...the previous summer......both relationships lasted about 3 weeks.....hahaha i think i jsut wasnt ment for relationships.....i think the whole friends with bennifits thing works out alot better for me....i mean i feel like i act like a guy as much as i act like a girl....haha....im jsut one of the guys man....no not really but im the girl that the guy wants to be friends with...and in the process maybe releave some of those hormones.....phil once called me a guy with female body parts......haha i wasnt sure wether to take that as a complement or an insult....i think i'll remain ambivlonent about that one......but now im gettin really sick and tired of talking about myself so i will pass this on to someone else....anyone else have something to share with me?</div> <div> Im sorry i just have to share this with u all.......\/.......(stolen from dani's profile) </div> <bR> <div> Leah's perception of free will: </div> <div> "If free will means no genetic predispositions then we would all be the same one celled amoeba encountering life the same exact way.. it's like.. if someone is determined to match the exact curve of the hole, frustration will mount and spiral into negative energy. Instead of trying to jam the peg into the hole, i prefer to look for a nice puddle of mud that will comfortably welcome my square peg."</div> <bR> <div> i want to kiss the stars tonight.....but they are too far away so i reach out and never stop reaching untill i find the ceiling to the glass closet i put me in.....im too tired and cold to keep going.....so i collapse into a pile in the corner of your bedroom....whispering to myself and waiting for the stars to come to me....but thats a chance they arnt willing to take...getting locked inside my glass crash cage...schedualed to shatter at any moment.....thats not like the heavens and the extrodinary to get mixed up in such things.....thats only for the weak and blind.....the one u took out for coffee last week...slipping and tip toeing through ally ways trying not to let the moon catch your shadow.....she would enter my glass case because she does'nt know what its like inside..not till shes inside and sees for the first time in her life...what the heavens and the stars try to evade.....</div> <div> take a picture [it will last longer]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FFFFCC" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> and if you don't understand...bleed untill you do</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> kinda like a cloud i was up way up in the sky and i was feeling some feelings you wouldn't believe sometimes i don't believe them myself and i decided i was never coming down just then a tiny little dot caught my eye it was just about too small to see but i watched it way too long it was pulling me down</div> <bR> <div> 7-up came out during the great depression in the 1920's......but at the time it had a different name...and they put lithium in it....a drug often found in medication for manic depression...it claimed to "Take the ouch out of the grouch".....so my mom and i came to the conclusion that this is why soda fountains were started in drug stores...or iginally u could only find soda mixed at these fountains because well...for oen they didnt bottle drinks as much at this time and also because they haed drugs in them...7-up had lithium and coke had....well coke...so they were mixed at pharmacys....interesting huh?</div> <bR> <div> <B>and in the end we still pretend the time we spend not knowing when you're finally free and you could be (but it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to) (it didn't turn out quite the way that you wanted it) </b></div> <bR> <div> I woke up thismorning thinking about the past....about junior high and the first 2 yrs of high school.....how we all went through the stages...of trying to fit in...failing....hating ourselves and then trying the whole teen angst thing fueled by bands like nirvana and pearl jam......we would compare our losses and missery....we'd compete for who had it the worst...i remember fighting with michelle B about who had the most go wrong for them...we actualy fought over it.....haha...it was like what we had been through was some sort of accomplishment or something...and the more pain you were in the better you were....and everyone had there fight with their own michelle......in one way or another.....and then u really do go through things....you try drugs...your best friends parent dies...not once but twice...and sometimes it is your friend...sometimes its your parent.....you go through junior and senior yr...some of us have weeks of tutors...practice Sats....yelled at for grades.....take Sats 5 times untill you at least break the 1400's....apply to 20 schools....wait....you have at least one friend with an eating disorder...at least 2 friends on antidepressants...at least half of your friends considered commiting suicide...and one actualy tried to go through with it....you have friends who were abused...harrassed and raped....u have a friend who had an abortion...u went through your parents divorce...an operation...a skinned knee....u failed a test...a class...had to go to summer school....had to avoid the bully....got made fun of for your clothes...got in trouble with the law...your friend arrested...your friend in the hospital with an overdose....or worse.....youve lived through a million heartbreaks and your friends a million heartbreaks....your poor...your not welcome...your dumb...your selfish....your to giving...people take advantage of you...you take advantage of others....you are all of these...all of you....you are that kid in the corner who no one talks to...and the one that everyone talks to but no one has anything to say and no one really knows you....you are ready to go to college...you will never go to college.....and one day you wake up and look outside...where the familiar mist fogs your windows mysteriously...and through the dark branches reaching towards the sky...the red sun climbs...holding on to the trees as it assends into an oblivion of yellow blaze....and you look inside yourself...look at your past and the pain filled years....and you bundle it up into one package and carry it with u...because like the protagonist from "the invisable man" you can never leave your past behind...it is a part of you...but u cant dwell on it either...u must move forward....and after all that ...one morning you wake up....and you love yourself...and you dont know why...maybe your proud of what youve lived through...of your accomplishments...the awards you won...the people youve helped...the knowledge youve gained....the friends youve made...how you survived...and all of the sudden old insecurities are missing...and those that remain you accept as your own and love them......you actualy love your own insecurities.......and u love that mysterious mist and the red sun climbing the trees to tis kingly place....you love your life and the life you know is ahead of you....and those who havnt made it out yet.....because of the needle or the knife or the mind....if you cant reach the sky yet u will...just hold on with all your life and never let go...cause once you make it out....you will stand tall...look at things differently....and cry....for once out of happiness.....you cry cause you can still feel...because you love and hate and know everything inbetween and have the world left to discover.....on this day your alive....and on this day...you understand what it means....to be alive.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> we've got egos like hairdos they're different every day depending on how we slept the night before depending on the demons that are at our door</div> <div>  </div> <div> We won our game yesterday....yeaaahhh!...and another note.....im reading this aswome book called "BOBOS IN PARADISE"...its comical socialogy...and yes it is comical....see im laughing...hahahahaha...ok let me explain what a Bobo is in case u dont already know....in fact u probly are one..."The bourgeoise were the square, practical ones.  They defended tradition and middle-class morality.  They worked for corperations, lived in suburbs, and went to church.  Meanwhile, the Bohemians were the free spirits who flouted convention.  They were the artists and intellectuals-the hippies and the Beats.  In the old schema the bohemians championed the values of the radical 1960's and the bourgeois were the enterprising yuppies of the 1980's." "The members of the new informtation elite are bourgeois bohemians.  Or, to take the first two letters of each word, they are Bobos." ...wow that took me awhile to type out...and i wanna quote some other funny shit but lets see how long it will take...hmm....anyway so we are a bunch of intellectual bussiness driven corperate groupies who use our creativity, artistic skills in work as well as outr free spirited adventureness at home....hghahaha...so u have people who are like...i went to yale anbd princeton and like to go skydiving on the weekends and paint pictures on the weekends for starving kids in samalia.....ok i spelled that wrong but your gonna have to deal....but ya they go on to say how the old elite was based on breeding...u know...like who your mommy and daddy were...and its always about old money...but then we Bobos took over cause we were smarter and cooler then they were...but its funny all the pts that are brought up...like how we like to make money but its considered snobby to show it...and in order to be hip u must wear clothes one level down from the expected attire to your workplace....and we spend lots of money buying things that look like they are gonna fall apart.....like the "distressed table" or the 90$ pair of jeans at the mall that have ripped holes in them and look like theyv been dragged under a tractor......and how EVERYWHERE we have coffee houses...like a bunch of Beat wannabes...and although we may not wanna be the Beats we sure as hell drinkcoffee like we wanna be them</div> <div> HAHA guess what i jsut heard on the Daily show...time warner stock went down BIG TIME....more os then ever before...ever since they joined with aol.....hmmmmm...sucks for them!</div> <div> ya i have gotten bored so i will give u some more accerps from Bobos in paradise at a later date...have a nice day :)</div> <bR> <div> You'll never keep it 'cause you sold yourself</div> <div> And by the way</div> <div> You'll never lose it 'cause you never had it</div> <div> It's all the same</div> <bR> <div> I dislike those who judge too quickly...who decide things about u from hearing info from others (gossip)...at least here it first hand...i hate people that lie.....lying gets u no where...lying keeps people from the truth...causes frustration...distraction...anger and pain.....i hate people who try to hard to be....because u are and that should be enough...why change?......i hate those who pretend....because it leads u away...makes u lost...cant find your way back......i hate how our imagination dulls reality....so it never turns out the way we wanted it to be</div> <bR> <div> I like those who judge too quickly...cause then i get to know those who would have never otherwise talked ot me.....i love people that gossip...because they make me out to be the person i want....i love those who lie....cause through lying i find the truth...get to uncover...reveal...no time for no time to heal.....i love those who try hard to be...because they lose and cry...eventualy win then die....i like those who pretend....because i watch from a dark corner and light them in my own way...they learn its not the right way...shy away and find a place of their own...i love how imagination allows one to escape reality....i might not have survived till today...gives u motivation to live when all seems to go wrong......it gives us inspiration for writing songs</div> <bR> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>Blow up the bitch with the firecracker smile</b></div> <div> <B>Switchblade in her suitcase</b></div> <div> <B>Loves to drive 'em wild</b></div> <div> <B>So kill to kill</b></div> <div> <B>Yeah ya gonna die</b></div> <div> <B>Everybody's searchin' - every single night</b></div> <bR> <div> I was avoiding thinking last night cause of my hungoverness from the night before...but m-l, dani and kenny had to start talking about the universe and hopw big it was and whats beyond it....but they said something interesting about...well...what if there is a perfect alien society looking down on us...how silly they would think we are...i mean cmon...some of these shoes that girls wear...the clunky orthapedic ones....or nailpolish??? what the hell is that?....and why do we wear pants???? whjat about pants that are really baggy or really tight...if i was an alien i would think that shit was pretty strange.....and the way some of us talk?...why is the word "like" such a part of the teenage vocabulary.....or "fuck" which has so many versitile meanings......what about this word banana??? thats a pretty strange word if u think about it....why do i find midgets so funny? why are they absurd and not a 5'9 140 lb chic like me with yellow hair...i mean why is yellow a normal color for hair whereas green is not....or why is egan's 7 inch mohawk more odd then greesed back hair?.......just the act of walking...two long apendages that stick out from our bodies randomly and we decide to alternate them in order to move...why not walk on our hands?.......hehe ok i'll stop now im gettin a little carried away.....</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> If you want love you must be love </div> <div> But if you bleed love you will die loved </div> <bR> <bR> <div> 5 more months....5 more months untill i am in college....5 months before im away from living on a beach.....in 5 months i will be 20 min away from chicago....a place packed with music and art......5 months and no more parents...5 months and i can get my eyebrow ring, tongue ring , lip ring and alll the ear peircings i want......5 months new and interesting people.....5 months plenty of parties....in 5 months hot men with brains.....in 5 months i will be at northwestern......in 5 months.....FREEDO</div> <bR> <div> Ya so we lost our game today! and that sucks and everything but im happy cause we played really well.....and i made this really cool catch and like sprinted for this ball hit behind third and then dove and barely caught it at the end of my glove...and everyone was chearing except coach peterman who yelled at me for throwing to second and not home......LOOK im not that cool ok.....so jsut take what i give u......JESUS.....haha ya so today i was thinking about the people i admire...cause its always people who seem to have done wrong in there lives (very wrong) at some point...or they have suffered their whole lives......and why do i admire that? not some straight A student who is president of somethging or another and is captain of every varsity sport?.....i figured it out man....they get plenty of recognition for their accomplishments already.....and sure i admire the people who have alot of money and a perfect family but who go out of their way to spend hours on community service....not just for their college app but because they enjoy it and know how lucky they are and are working to really deserve what they have.....but so many people dont...and so many people shove it aside and try to go out and be badass and do fucked up things and so on and so on.....but like the people who suffer.....they are never recognized...they struggle and fight every day to survive ...to live...to allow others to live.....and they never get any tropheys or certificats for that kinda shit......and thats almost the beauty of it...its not to win some stupid award...its their life.....and they cope with so much and do amazing things.....and no one apreciates them.....i admire certain people for living...simply goin through the day doing what they have to do.....i wish i had the same strength and power.....the same coping ability cause god knows id never be able to handle those situations.....id go insaine.... </div> <div> I'd also like to thank all those who dont take life too seriously......some people just fail to see the absurdity of it all and get worked up over it</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> She lives in a bungalow</div> <div> She kills me with rose garden thorns</div> <div> She waits for me</div> <div> My love is unusual</div> <div> It's painted with roses and thorns</div> <div> With her I'm complete</div> <div> She lives by the wall and waits be the door</div> <div> She walks in the sun to me</div> <bR> <div> Stone Temple Pilots were AMAZING......even if u dont like them id suggest u go see the show.....its like the goodness of their music X10....they added so many aswome guitar riffs and tripy effects.....it was crazy...and u know about those bright colors i always talk about????....the ones that evoke emotion and the ones that i wish i were able to describe in words.....that just burst from my brain...well stp was full of them...and it was liek the right colors at the right time.....they kept rearranging hemselves on stage under the lights and made these beautiful pictures on stage that should be paintings....add that to the music...wow...its like the music touches your nerves while the colors pull these emotional cords in your brain...it makes u wanna scream and u shake all over....makes your head spin and blows your mind....and of course scott weiland is the man...after a song hes up on stage and says "theres this thing called art and music...and there dead now" and goes into some beautiful harmonious song with more trippy lights.....ASWOME.....i dont know how to describe it in words.....but im deffinitly gonna try and paint some of the images that they made up on stage....hell ya!</div> <div> Otherwise i let go.....ya finally....i cant stand to watch people that i know are so amazing inside treat themselves the way they do...and jsut cage everything they are into some facade that they beleive is cooler then whats inside.....i wanna smack um sometimes and tell them to look in a mirror...stop this nonsence that temporarily releives the pain and lets them have a good time....u miss out on shit....u miss wonderful feelings that only come when u are sober...im not condeming drugs...fine every once in awhile they are fine...but not all the time...not whiel your stressed and just need to chill...cause u never learn the coping abilities...how to handle presures in life that u will need later...when you have to stay sober...when u have others to protect and responsibilitys u owe.....its not that i dont love...or im giving up....or i dont care....i care to the point where im afraid and can forsee things...and even if they dont happen....which would be good...i cant be close to someone that has two different sides when i love the sober side so much....im sick of it and dealing with people that depend on drugs....i like those who can have a good time and be happy without them....dont need them.....can feel like they are on heroin through a kiss or seeing a sunrise or having some exciting conversation....figuring out a hard math problem...finally standing up on the surfboard and catching some huge wave.....i want someone.....rather i need someone who can feel so much...feel the world...feel extacy by the smallest gesture or flicker of an eyelid....cause sometimes i do feel that strongly...and i love it when i do...and i need to be close to someone who can bring that out in me.....who can stay a realist but be positive and learn from even the most terrible experiences instead of going balistic or fall into deep depression.....i mean it happens but why not learn from it while your there and tell yourself u'll be stronger afterwards.....no more hiding.....face life straight on.....enjoy everything they have and are....not fade away into some oblivion that numbs u to anything but heightened physical feeling......and i know hes in there somewhere and when hes ready to come out i'll be waiting.....or i'll move on and find someone else who can......whichever comes first..... </div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> Forward yesterday</div> <div> Makes me wanna stay</div> <div> What they said was real</div> <div> Makes me wanna steal</div> <div> Livin' under house</div> <div> Guess I'm livin', I'm a mouse</div> <div> All's I gots is time</div> <div> Got no meaning, just a rhyme</div> <bR> <div> Ya so the "cool hunters" let me begin by telling u about American studies for the past couple days.....we've baisicly been talking about marketing and the youth culture of today's society......and of course what are the two main things we start talking about? Music and drugs.....High Times....u all know the magazine that is all about and for the stoners of america...people send in pictures of how big their crop is...they sell thc free bud and other smoking related products.....Mr Guffin made the observation that todays high times is like a porno mag for pot heads......instead of having centerfolds of beautiful naked womnen u have a centerfold of jamaican red hair with some kid staring at it drooling and gettin a hard on.........then the music...well what exactly is indie nowadays? even indie concerts are filled with marketing and advertisement....and how can u tell when a band has sold out or gone pop?....when u start seeing people there that arnt dressed liek u and the otyher die hard followers?....but since u all dress the same doesnt that take away from your originality?...and should u stop liking a band jsut because they have become famous? personaly i hate i when some of my favorite bands that i once considered to be underground and not well known all of the sudden start appearing on mtv...like thye have lately with this knew emo craze......i like going to shows where there are only a couple hundred people or less there and im right up against the stage within arms length of the band...the more intamite setting....and not a bunch of mtv watchers who know about 1 song by them and claim to be their biggest fan.....but i guess u should be happy for the band...i mean they made it big and have the well deserved money....but do i feel betrayed? i dunno...i always want bands to play for the music....and some can become famous through the music and without signing to a major label.....but those who do.....i mean if i were in a band and they offered me all that money and fame...hell ya id do it...so i cant blame them...but its like the band almost loses their appeal......but i gotta respect artists for their music and not their image or how famous they are....although i would much rather pay a lesser amount of money to go to a small intamate show rather then a large one costing a bizzillion dollars....so that adds to the appeal</div> <div> Anyway im way off track here....":cool hunters" are coorperate spys who emerse themselves into teen culture...find out whats knew and cool coming form the original rebellious underground...and then exploit it and sell it along with the products they have made to associate with that lifestyle (all of which seems to be based around music)....and then soon after the trend becomes so large and everyones doin it so then it becomes uncool and another product of sold out society....another culture killed.....all of this started in the early 90's when coorperations were losing money from their long going marketing campaign targeted towards the babyboomers and housewives of america...so they decided to get their kids...t"yuppies in training"......so they find ex-cool kids and have them scour the land for knew and upcoming trends and cultures which usualy are exploited and die out before they even have a chance to really thrive in the underground and establish a true foundation like the early punk and metal of the 70's....so it seems as though there is no way to be truely indie or purist without selling out or having to change cultures and followings every other month or so...cause the cool hunters will find u and kill your culture.......so how does one exist? how does one escape from the mass consumerism? and the mtv infomercial (cause thats all it really is)....i say stick to what u like...wether its cool or not....underground indie or pop......or maybe a combination.....u define yourself and dont listen to the marketing jsut go for wat u like no matter how much its exploited or overlooked.....if u are following or being followed fine...but dont let that ruin your own oppinion on what is cool or not...by the way if u wanna check out an interesting article about cool hunters and how much mtv sucks my ass go here.<FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Times New Roman" >... </FONT><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Times New Roman" ><A HREF="http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/cool/etc/hunting.html" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/"><U>http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/cool/etc/hunting.html</U></A></FONT></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> Consume my love, devour my hate</div> <div> Only powers my escape</div> <div> The moon is out the, stars invite</div> <div> I think i'll leave tonight</div> <bR> <div> Wow i havnt written on here in awhile....well lifes been busy and jsut to beautiful and wonderful to spend the time and agony of typing away on this contraption....iv been running outside skantily dressed....layin on beaches and loving my friends and being warm for once....haha thank god the cold is done...but it seems like the fuckers skipped over spring and went right to summer...which i dont mind cause thats the best season of all......................</div> <div> I have never realized how much fun it is to chill in a beach parking lot sober....i havnt done that in a long time....i dont think i have since phil and i were going out once upon a time....but tonight i did...its all about the good friends man...with and only with good friends can any seemingly boring place become a place of goodness that makes u feel warm and fuzzy inside as u dance to irish punk......but ya dissing french canadians is not cool....they are people too! and they dont all pronounce about like aboot....allthough it is amuzing when some do....oh well</div> <div> i saw the coolest fucking thing today....a sunset with lightning crashing in front of it.....we were sitting at the beach during a storm and watching the lightning over the water when the clouds cleared and there came a heavenly body of sunshine ...aaaawwwwhhhhh (play godly music here)...it was quite nice....and then a rainbow....yaaa i love rainbows....haha</div> <div> we've been watching this anti consumerism mtv documentary in american studies that makes u hate them and baisicly our whole culture...cause its one giant infomercial....i mean sprite is hip hop....rocknroll goes with cars...so on and so on...its all promotion...and the coorperate spys that take away our underground teen cultures (more on this later)....ya cause writing sucks when life is good....a rather go paint a mural....with bright happy colors...and happy trees...bob ross style....with a pet squirrel.....</div> <div> 4-20 STP concert tomorow....i fuckin love scott weiland...i ripped out an article from rolling stone on him today in the library.....haha.....u are my god....</div> <div> ok i have nothing to say.....except im a total nut and i cant fucking wait for college......YA!</div> <div> By the way...im letting go.......i'v learned good lessons these past yrs about who to stand by and be there for and who not to...iv made two mistakes already....one that cost me a friendship...a sister actualy...thankgod things are getting better.....the other...someone who i shouldnt stand by ...who will drag me down with them.....i know what to say and i'll say it.......and i'll let go...of all the memories and all the things iv said....because it hurts to much either way and the summer is coming and the pain should end...so i can frolic in meadows without wondering how it got to be this way......this is healthier......and i will be free....free from those voices inside meeeeee.....</div> <bR> <div> <I><B>Let me take this awkward saw And run it against your thighs Cut some flesh away I'll carry this piece of you with me Because all I can say tonight is that I hate you But it would be all right If we could see each other sometime If I could somehow make you mine And if not I'll take my rusty spoons And dig out your blue eyes I'll swallow them down to my colon They're gonna burn like hell tonight Because you're beautiful Just not on the inside Light comes from within And your beaming eyes don't seem so bright My heart is on the floor Why don't you step on it? When I think of all the things you've done</b></I></div> <div> <I><B>Boardwalks and breaking waves Made our Saturdays I'd buy you lemonade right now if you were here But then I'd throw it in your face And I'd listen to you cry And I'd remember how I miss our nights under ocean skies You and I are like when fire and the ocean floor collide.</b></I></div> <bR> <div> We all have these little microcosmic lives that come together as part of a single whole.....our world......work, school, family, friends from vacation, friends from your home town.....its trange to think about....i have my gfa friends...my weston friends...my family....people i met in miami, egypt, on the cruise, in nantucket, in RI,  shelton....then theres my family and the wilton Y where i worked over the summer......and each place i feel like i play a different role....and although over the years those roles and personas i take on are more and more similar....theres still different feelings i get...i feel like a different person in each place.....i interact differently wityh the people...when we were younger we deffinitly acted alot different aorund different people and places...cause u have insecurities and need to be cool at school yet at home your imiture and let it all go...your raw you.....and around your best friends your a silly mother fucka....hehe.....so why do we do this? do we have someone to impress?....do we need to fufill some missing peice of the social order in that group....is it asthetics that make us act differently?....is it because we share different interests with these different people.....or that your known for a certain trait.....like your loudness at home...your layedbackness with friends and your perfectionism at school? the loser on your lacross team?....hahaha well whoever i explained right there im sure u can all relate in one way or another...i know random people at school think of me in a totally different way from someone who knows me really well....odd.....well as i get older the differences between the role i play in each group becomes slimmer and slimmer...but i still sometimes feel people think of me differently....and it makes me laughthe different ways we are perceived....i mean i guess no matter what we will always be influenced by the oppions of others wether or not we like to admit it....hell we all wear clothes......and a certain type.....i mean most of us dont dress like they did in victorian times....its not that im against that its jsut i rather wear some jeans and a t-shirt...but why?....ah i got toaly off the topic...damn stream of conciousness....</div> <bR> <div> Happiness will make you wonder</div> <div> Will I feel OK?</div> <div> It scares the disenchanted</div> <div> Far away</div> <div> Ask yourself a question</div> <div> Anyone but me</div> <div> I ain't free</div> <div> Do you feel</div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> Love is real?</div> <bR> <div> National day of silence was today....a day where u wear a sticker that says you will remain silent in order to get a glimpse of the silence homosexuals are at times forced to take on do to societal predjudice and discrimination.....in order for people to feel invisible...isolated, disconnected and different.....usualy i scrutinize things like this and eventualy come up wiht a reason why i should or shouldnt participate...but for some random reason i decided jsut to try it out today without thinking....i dont know how much i learned about homosexuality and gay rights...but it was an interesting experience....as i sat in class some of the most innocent people who u would never expect to discriminate or be in the slightest bit offending were bluntly expressing their opposition to the day and how stupid people were for taking aprt in it....not even notcing that there were a couple of people in the class who had on the stickers.....and i couldnt defend myself or my reasons for being a part of the day....it was frustrating and i deffinitly felt isolated...i mean sometimes at school i barely talk...but whenever i feel strongly oppinionated about something i always speak up....and if i was gay id probly defend myself in a second.....but what about people who are deaf or blind.....i dont think i could deal....i had to write things out on paper whenever i wanted to say something to someone....during video production i gave up because i couldnt use the camera...direct my subject and write at the same time.......during english especialy.....there were only 5 people who wernt wearing stickers...even the teacher was doing it...so we had to have this discussion and only those 5 people could talk...a couple of us wrote stuff down and had others read it for us...well depending on others is not necissarily something i do....i like being independent and i dont like it when others talk for me....and i felt guilty for making the girl sitting next to me read my thoughts...since i had alot of them today during the discussion....others didnt even try to participate....later that day leah was like..i feel like i havnt seen u all day...even tho i had been around her for a good portion of it....theres the invisibility.....some teachers were even mocking kids for wearing stickers......wether anyone learned about gay rights or not....i think those who were wearing stickers...or at least some of us...have a better idea what its like to have a disability or feel as tho u cant speak up....and although i dont have a problem speaking up and expressing my beleifs i hope that others realize that they gotta use their voice a little more...communicate better...tell people whats on their mind...i think its incredibly important....and once again i have less trust in people...because those who were making me feel dumb for not talking all day are people i would of never expected that out of...i wonder how they treat homosexuals or freaks or anyone who is marginilized...wether they sincerly except all types of people or wether they do it out of an attempt to be part of this pc culture we've created.....good stuff to think about.....</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> Only to discover that our minds have led us away </div> <div> so far from the painful truth of who we are </div> <div> What’s right is wrong, what’s come has gone </div> <div> what’s clear and pure is not so sure </div> <div> It came to me </div> <div> All promises become a lie, all that’s benign corrupts in time </div> <div> The fallacy of Epiphany </div> <bR> <div> So we won our softball game...woohoo! I had to play third base for awhile and suprisingly i remembered all the responsibilities of that base...and i only fucked up one throw!!!! haha.....but other then that this weekend has been kinda fucked up.....amazing and depressing at the same time....that damn dichotomy is haunting me again.....well it makes life more interesting and now im gonna lay in bed tonight and analyse everything that has happened over the past couple days.....and that guy sitting next to me on the train with the amazing eyes...he was socialy akward like me.......acted jsut like me actually....only he must have been in his 20's.....and we didnt talk for very long...but have u ever met someone like that....u exchange a smile or a couple words and your like...that dude would be me if he were 5 yrs younger and a female.....haha twilight zoneish......</div> <div> I noticed something about my handwriting...it changes everyday....sometimes i cant recognize my own writing when a teacher hands back a paper that i forgot to put my name on or something...and ill look at my notes from school studying for a test and i wonder who was scribbling things down in my notebook.....and then i recognize something that i wrote......strange...like someone inhabits my body and takes over.....maybe its a mild form of scitzofrania....naaaww....maybe its like those handwriting analysis books...where they can comment on the type of person u are by notcing the curves or the slope of your lettering....maybe im a different person each day</div> <div> Right now we are reading Faulkner's "As I lay Dying".....it questions humanity and existance....and each chapter a different narrator comments on what is going on around them...so u have an experience seen from different perspectives...and u never really know the truth...its like investigating a murder only its jsut an every day occurance...well an extrordinary ordinary day occurance....its very dark humor......but its weird cause u get into all these different peoples minds and u have to figure out who interprets an occurance most truthfully....some people re-instate the obvious physical happenings where the deeper thinkers imagine or predict what is going on...as though they know whats happening without even having to be there.....or they decide things on the basis of gossip and what others say......interesting...its fun cause i love gettin inside peoples heads</div> <div> Shantelle was telling me about a workshop they did for her pych class......she would give a group of people a murder mystery...and then would watch them solve it....but they didnt know they were under obvservation...so shantelle would take notes on how they interacted and who interpreted what facts in which way...like one guy would say the murderer was fat,,,and someone else would say the murder weighed 340 lb....and she would analyse their pychie based on these observations of hers.....i thoguth that was aswome....im deffinitly taking some philosophie and psychology classes in college...and maybe a spelling class too....cause i still dont know how to</div> <div> Anyways girls suck......they play games with guys....they say one thing but are really thinking another.....and som,etimes they have no idea what they really do think and cant make up their mind.....and people in general are too easily persuaded by the judgement of others and sometimes they dont even realize it.....if someone doesnt liek a person that your friends with they have the ability to bitch about them and point out so many negative aspects of them that u start questioning why u are friends with that person.....this is why im so skeptical of everyone....its hard to trust peoples perspectives sometimes cause everyone is different....i dont trust peoples oppinions of music or movies or other people....i gotta experience it for myself in my own unbiased manner if thats even possible...their is a rule of exastencialism right there...but i swear to god i still hate exastencialists...</div> <div> I wish people were more down to earth and just tell me straight up what their thinking...cause in the end u always find out the truth...or at least figure out they were lying or exagerating...unless the person is stupid...u dont fool me though!.....i wish more people would jsut say whats up and on their minds....ya people do stupid things sometimes....hey look at my long line of ex-bf's and hook ups.....no im not proud of them....and yes i can get easily made fun of for them...and so can all my friends who decided one day ben was looking pretty hot and hooked up with him despite the fact hes 4 yrs younger...or anything of that sort....ya but iv learned that once people know the truth...those who count...your friends...they dont really give a fuck...u might have a good laugh about it but honestly.....the people i hook up with....wether im shameful of it or not...thats part of my life...thats my history...it has helped to shape me into the eprson i am today...hehehe...and i mean that goes with everything.....if i decided one day i liked backstreet boys and was ashamed...id still tell people instead of lying about it...if people harrass me ill tell um to go fuck themselves cause i much rather people know then shamefuly hide my little secret......i get more respect in the end by telling the truth i think...cause when i was younger all those little lies and games i played with people caught up to me and fucked me over...and made me feel even worse......and yes u do get caught in the end......and yes i can see right through you.....and im a strong girl....so tell me the truth why dont ya instead of lying or sugar coating it for my protection or for yours or anyone elses......or in order for u to keep me.....why dont u let me decide</div> <div> Yes i have alot mroe on my mind tonight but i have work to do! i'll write it down later.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> You’re obsessed and distressed ‘cause you can’t make any sense </div> <div> of the ludicrous nonsense and incipient senescence </div> <div> that will deem your common sense useless </div> <div> This ain’t no recess!</div> <bR> <div> I want to become a beatnick......haha not really but we were watchin a movie about the beats in american studies and i kept thinking about a nickalodeon show......which pretty much had all the ideals or at least seemed to be influenced by this era......i am convinced a beat has something to do with writing this show......DOUG......what is doug's favorite band? the beats! and remember that episode where some dude wheres the same green sweater vest and kaki shorts he always wears so doug wants to do something differet...dresses up like a total fool and then other people end up dressing like that to?...a commentary on how the beatnicks were trying to be non-conformists but in the end we all conform...such as the punks....originally they were all considered social outcasts but eventualy it became the trend...all the punks dressed the same in their vests and leather jackets covered in patches and their laced up boots and liberty spikes.....even the opening music for doug sounds like it should be plkayed in some coffee house by a couple of poets and their bongos.....and im sure there is plenty more in that show im missing but...its been awhile since iv seen it man.....thats right man...its far out there...like traveling across the land...see for miles a horizen that fades...swish flish into the stars of a heaven that can only be reached by bending the mind into a space like warp of dillusion....haha the off the top of my head attempt at beatnick poetry...i failed misserably...its time to crawl into my hole and which i were that cool</div> <div> Ironicly the beatnicks...rejecting society couldnt live without the society they rejected....i mean they dont all live on farms where they can produce their own food so they go to the market...and then how do they get around? bycicles?....no man they have cars too and need the rulkes of the road to protect their pretty little intellectual minds from ending up splattered across the windsheild......so hence without a society of stable conformity the beats would never be able to survive with their unconformity....bad grammer or something...im being nonconformist!...soon it will me like...mom! all the kids are doing it at school...why cant i use bad grammer!.....oh well...we are all destined to conform and all be alike in one way or another....just deal with it...stay true to yoiurself and what u like...TRY not to let others judgement affect your oppinion...and just accept it and move on with your life.....fuck conformity....fuck non-conformity...FUCK YOU!</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> What’s time but a thing to kill or keep or buy or lose or live in </div> <bR> <div> My math class is the apitmomy of bad jokes/humor, sucking up and stupid comments......"How do you trapazoid? (get it? trap a zoid)"......"In a cage!"...."no i want a punch line a little funnier then that"......what the fuck?....just teach math and u wont get responses like that.....stop laughing at mr matte's bad jokes when u know they are bad....please tell the girls in the corner to shut the fuck up and stop trying to be funny/ intellectual sounding......u have miserably failed......people in the front stop bragging and showing off...as a matter of fact...everyone keep your mouths shut for the entirety of the class......mr matte please teach and TRY to make it interesting.....please stop telling jokes...my dad can tell a better joke for christ sakes.....aaahhhh...coming back to gfa after spring break i realize how much i cant stand many of the people there......i was asked to bring in a list of the colleges i got rejected from or waitlisted at.....for the wall of shame....what the hell is that??....ya make people feel worse about not getting in....let some more gossip around...continue the ever present compitition between the essence of snobbery and competitiveness that is GFA.......the fake empathy.....caring so much about passing yourself off as one who doesnt care.....what is wrong with u people????....I'm so glad im going to college.....8 weeks left...8 weeks is all i have to survive....praise the lord! halleluia!</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> Who ever made up open skies and two of the bluest eyes Must be some young phenom</div> <bR> <div> I would like to have a word with the music industry...u are really going to hell now....indie is going to hell...becoming pop and mainstream quicker then ever...or maybe thats because alot of my favorite indie bands are sellin out like no tomorow....well i discovered audiogalaxy recently...its very good i suggest u go there if u havnt...cause its like it blocks u from all the mainstream bands and only letas u get to the good underground stuff....or at least the less popular stuff so we can all expand our musical palletes....hahaha...ya and they have these catagory things u can click on and find out about new bands...like i found out about this band recovery which i like very much.....and they have some amuzing articles.....such as this clip:</div> <div>                              Building on the formulas of once-good bands like Jawbreaker and Sunny Day Real Estate, today's "Emo" is at best a pale imitation, and at worst simpering self-parody, with sentimental sensitive-guy musings, cloying melodies, and little more emotional resonance than a Hallmark card. I've heard music in my Dentist's office that was more passionate and soul-baring than anything Pedro the Lion, Joan of Arc, Braid, the Promise Ring or (insert overly-long-pseudo-poetic-name-referencing-the-weather-and/or-a-children's-book here) have ever come up with. Why? Partly because those old Dischord bands and their ilk sang about a range of emotions from anger to apathy, not just the current, de rigeur unrequited love, "I'm cooking pasta by myself," college-boy self-pity of so much modern Emo.</div> <div> Thankyou for this audiogalaxy.....u are so right.....u make me smile....and name two of my favorite emo bands at the beggening....u rock my world!</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> I want to erase your hate Watch your head up on a pole What's the point of agony? No money, I can't stand it If you'd just accept the pain One fantastic planet </div> <bR> <div> I feel like i should be healthy.  Alot of people have been gettin in trouble for drugs lately...making too many mistakes..some people dont realize it yet...how much pot they smoke....how meds are not the answer or dont make u cool....that not being straight edge is is not cool.....ya i drink and smoke up occasionaly..but on the weekends..occasionaly...not to run away from pain or help me study or keep me up, put me to sleep.....and after the drug day...and mr guffin lecturing about the tobacco industry and how they really are evil bastards out for nothing but our money.....how the only reason people started quitting ciggs is cause of how poorly smoking is looked upon nowadays...everyone useda smoke...people in movies would be smoking in office buildings etc....and yes even then they knew the risks and how bad they were for ya...but now the fact that society sees it as a taboo it becomes more of a counterculture thing....those trying to rebel...look badd ass....and those of us who are just sick to death of being bored.....sometimes they are even used as a social tool....smoking away so we have something to do with our hands and distract us from social akwardness and to give us an activity so we dont feel those akward silences.....everyone my age is like...ya i can quit i just dont want to know..i know i could if i tried...or they try to seem older and cooler by talking about how addicted they are and how they could never quit...and alas.....sigh.....eeehh its all a bunch of bullshit.....i always say that im gonna quit after college cause i know the temptation right now is too much...and i get bored to easily....and in college im gonna be drinking and want too...so heres my plan so i dont end up like one of them....there are two parts to the addiction i think...the physical need for nicotine....as well as the mental addiction to the actual smoking...having something in your hand and doing something in moments of boredom and social akwardness.....so in order to calm both cravings....u ween yourself off the nicotine using those patches...and the mental part that everyone always neglects i will smoke nicotene free cigarettes...my brother told me about them the other day...every time i get a craving have one of those instead......when i wanna smoke all through college...smoke those instead.....then the nicotene part will be easier to get off of...and i'll probly end up as a social smoker....or jsut smoke alot less...eventualy lose the desire to even do that.....well it sounds fullproof now but what do i know? im jsut a dumb kid.</div> <div> But honestly...my craving for all things healthy....what is healthy?  are cigarettes really that bad compared to everything else we do?....we do bad things to our bodies every day...living in a city is really bad for u...bad aair pollution...every time u eat something out of a package...harmful preservatives and chemicals.....and fat and saturated fat....so u eat low fat and less calorie type shit...oh wait thats got even mroe chemicals and shit thats bad for u....go to a health store...buy some organic food...tofu microwave dinners....in reality those things are probly the most unhealthy peices of bullshit u could put in your body......cause they use all types of suppliments in order to keep the food tasting normal and perserve the veggies adn fruits and all that....not to mention u pay 10$ for an apple or a tv dinner made of some unknown meat substitute....might as well jsut stick with hot dogs and domino's pizza....</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <I><B>Did you know, my sweet That I once took the liberty of watching you in your sleep? I rolled over and over Trying to touch your knees underneath the sheets I just want you to know that every pool of water reminds me of you Is that all right? I hope you think it's cool 'Cause sometimes a train can't go as fast as I want it to Everything seemed a little easier when we weren't one hundred miles apart The person across from me sitting in her train seat, reminded me of you And I looked out past her cheek through the glass-light conduit But the sun had sunk already Disappeared into New Jersey Oh, why don't they have phones on these things?</b></I></div> <bR> <div> Can someone love two people at once....and i dont mean like the same exact love...sure u can love friends and family and all that...but i mean in a "im in love with u" type way....or is it more like Mrs Dallaway where she loved two men in different ways...one was peace of mind and spirit...the need to have seperation and privacy from one another... or the other was passion and stroing emotional attachment...both different in their own right but still a type of love that she needed....so what is this...when someone tells u they love two people.....iv always beleived that u can only love on person fully and undoubtedly...otherwise its like half assed love...or at least thats how iv experienced it...i think im in love with two people but its always jsut to balance the other one out in case one leaves.....haha protection....we can never love something fully cause if we do and they leave us...we have nothing left...no more capacity to love and then there is no point in living....cause our hearts have been destroyed....like when an old married couple is broken up...the wife dies from old age lets say...and the husband loved her so much that his heart is completly torn out...all his love went into that one person and now its been ripped away form him and he has none left to give...and thus dies "of a broken heart".....thats my romantic idealogy of what love should be...but i guess at this age thats not safe to do.....we are all jsut a bunch of floating random chaotic particles that are all bouncing off eachother flying into space....randomly exploding and disapearing at any given time...and since we are all so damn unstable its not safe to love adn we must protect ourselves cause u can never be sure...no ones every really ready to settle down...untill u find someone ultimatly perfect for u...and u jsut feel it in your gut.....i thought i was in love with someone...i had that feeling i thought...but it turned out to jsut be the fact that that was the person i wanted and desired to love so badly...but didnt love him in that way......and now i think im in love...but the gut feeling is missing....and the position he put me in is hard for me to bare or handle....loving two people at the same time......haha do u know how many questions run through your head? well who doe she love mroe who will he end up with...wont he get sick of one of us? or will this remain forever.....now i understand why hardly anyone is polyamous...u have to have a disconnection form love and people in order to do that so u dont get hurt....and once u add one more person into the equation things get insain and even mroe difficult to deal with...arnt jsut two people together difficult to deal with????.....i wanna give up...move on but i cant....usually its easy for me but for some reason i cant...cause its not like...no i dont like u anymore i like this chic...(which owuld make it easy).....its i love u and i love her......aaahh and im not sure id want it to be any other way....haha kinda insain...if things were simple i guess they wouldnt be worth persuing....now the whole wanting what u can never have thing...it sorta works and sorta doesnt....if i have no hope in getting what i want then fine...let it be...but if there is a 50 50 chance its like...hell ya i want it....but if i had it fully would i still want it?.....would the excitement of the persual...the chase be over and leave me bored?....i'll never know untill i try and find out....but soon i think my chances will be over...i'll be gone ...go to college and find other guys...im sure have my share of relationships...then we'll see what i feel...i think that will be the test of love...true seperation....no more 50 50's......unless it dies oput due to the fact it cant be nurtured.....distance can do that to ya...not allow u to nurture shit and then eventualy it shrivals up and dies.....unless its strong like bull....lol...only time will tell.....untill then such is life and i must suck it up and deal cause nothins gonna change anytime soon.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>Time is never time at all....you can never ever leave...without leaving a peice of youth</b></div> <bR> <div> I'm in college baby....i got in...and i'm already imagining what it will be like to leave next year...that which i will leave behind and that which i will encounter....its like starting life over again almost...using the knoledge from the school of life u have obtained thus far....my family will be easy to leave behind.....my infamous mother known amongst my friends for her bitchieness, swelling red face, devil like appearence and her little drinking problem.....my da i dont see very often anyway and we've never been that close....but it will be odd leaving my brother...we actualy have stopped fighting as often as we used to...and i mean we had some pretty good ones back in the day.....he ended up going to the hospital after i hit him in the arm with a phone and he chased me around with a kitchen knife......haha....now we mainly fight over money and cigarettes.....ya it will be strange not seeing him grow up cause i know that even after 2 weeks of spring break i came back to hear his voice had gotten deeper in that short amount of time adn that hes only an inch shorter then me....5'8!!!!!  he useda be more then a foot shorter then me a couple years ago....and how isben stock...the age of 14....getting play from some of my friends......what is that????.....i knew the kid since he was in nursery school and maybe since before...he was this little guber...and still is to me...aaahhh....the freshman boys...that will be weird coming back and watching their graduation in a couple years....they are already goin for the older girls so maybe they will date girls from my college....haha thats really disturbing</div> <div> Friends....i will cry when i have to leave them.....they are my backbone...they are the ones who i hang out with at school and on the weekends and save me from a life of boredom and misery...or at least they bare it with me......teach me things...protect me...as i try to do for them....i know i'll make knew ones like when i moved from weston to gfa....but unlike the many many people i kept in contact with from weston i hope i keep my highschool friends close no matter how far away i end up......i'll remember this spring break for one....dani's blues playing...m-l's french canadianess and her bf who she met cause of me and phil!!!!!...and phil of course....one of the best friends i had in my life....hanging out all the time...going to shows together....dating ...breaking up...hooking up....going to the beach every sunday...hanging out with casey and colby.....fighting...some good ones we did have....keeping an eye on me when i drank to much.........haha and even tho i dont see him much anymore hes always got a place in my heart...and its aswome that hes found the girl he wants to marry.......shes really perfect for him.....m-l said in the mall that it made her happy jsut to watch them but sad afterwards cause relationships never really come out that perfect.....well they sure embody that perfectness together...seems like nothin could break them...and iv never seen phil so happy.....and i know phil and i will always have places for oe another in our hearts even as our lives seperate adn we start our own futures and families......jeff and i had a similar relationship...hehe only neither of us found the love of our lives......we had our problems but we're good again and i will never forget him...his aswome mother but insain dad...his brother that walked in on us one time....hahaha....our obsession with all that is sexual...watching porn together....making bets about the girls he could get with.....keen park and all the strange occurances that always manage to hapeen when we are high......aaahhh and many more of u who i will get to later cause right now im being lazy and this is going on to long</div> <div> haha its kinda funny what a big deal im making out of this whole going to college thing....it seems like part of a formulated life that most parents around here set up for their kids....but i dont have another plan.....id love to travel but no money...id love to work and make that money but where am i gonna get a job that pays well and that doesnt bore me in 5 minutes??? and after i travel what am i gonna do then?...will i have hope to survive?......haha im scared....i rather just go to college...im eexcited aboput it anyway...iv actualy started to enjoy some of my classes and i think in college i will enjoy them even mroe since i get to pick them...plus i'll have less stress......i wanna take a class on analysing dreams.....dani and i were watching some special on the discovery channel; about freams and out of body experiences and such...it was quite facinating....hehe...and i think it would be interesting to study part of the subconcious that half of us does not even know exists in our minds or ourselves.....maybi can incorperate that into a psych major....haha so many options.....and all the knew people and partying....dani got mad at me one night about having to go see chad and said "barbaras all like...yeah i get to make knew friends...yeah!".......yes i know im a dork...but there are so few people around here who actualy arnt judgemental and that i enjoy hanging out with and doing shit with...msot of whom have very different interests form me./...have u guys noticed that? how different we all are from one another?....i think it would be cool to have someone to take to a punk show or an emo show who knew all the words right along with me......like phil....but who wont be able to do that with me anymore soon cause hes gettin engaged soon perhaps...hehehe</div> <div> ya i took kate to her first punk show last night and some guy jumped on her head....and we both drooled over the basist...he was like this built gorgeous guy with a lip and eyebrow ring who jsut looked so masculine and hardcore and the sweat was running down his face and ....oooohh.....the fact that he played base and his voice and sence of humor up onb stage....both kate and i wanted to rape that man...obviously partly from our sexual frustration...i need some ass!!!</div> <div> you know how in american tale the mice are all singing that america's streets are paved with cheese?....i beleive college campuses are paved with ass....everyone is garenteed to get some.... :)</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>The world that's flying by is slick and smooth Just big waves of light The radio is playing Queen And we're rocking out </b></div> <bR> <div> Singing love songs to Mr Death, they smashed his head.  More than the rest, they killed the flirt whom folks called Life for leading them on.  Making them think the next sunrise would be worth it: that another stroke of time would do it at last.  Only when She was dead would they be safe.  The successful ones-the ones who had been their years enough to have maimed, mutilated, maybe even burried her- kept watch over the others who were still in her cock-teasing hug, caring and looking forward, remembering and looking back.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><U>Spring Break: The miami chronicles</U></b></div> <div> <B>This may take a while to write all i want so keep checking back and make sure to look at the end of the passage for add ons...</b></div> <bR> <div> Spring break Miami......spring break 99' .....haha so we stayed on fisher island with m-l, leah and of course dani who brought us on this amazing trip...the island was like some tropical carribean get away only it wasw a 10 min ferry ride away from miami and south beach....it consisted mainly of rich old people.....obnoxious families....famouse people and then....us and the neff's.....us 4 girls had our own villa from which we felt free to smoke, drink and blast music as we pleased yet we got yelled at for hanging towels and clothes to dry out on the porc after doin laundry...something which mamma wou;ld be proud of.....ironic huh?......yet dani's dad almost discovered i was a smoker after i left a butt in an ash tray out on the porch...he saw it when he came in but we made up some story about how it had been there all along.....the islands main transportation was golf carts......have u ever been drunken golf cart driving before??? its great fun.....night time golf course driving is good too untill someone desides to pop a squat in the middle of it.......dani alsobeleived she was above momentum at some point jumped off while i was florrin it.....she lost a show and hurt her ankle but no serious injury occured but please kids...do not try this at home......the island also had many pools and beaches......one night me dani and m-l decided to go skinny dipping...we ended up romping around naked on the beach...dancing and running and swimming in the ocean....after thatclothing jsut seemed uncomfortable and made u look fat...but when u were naked u were beautifulk and natural and free....so we spent the rest of the vacation walking around naked at all times in the villa....the next night we invited leah to join us and sat naked in the hot tub listening to jazz on my speakers....drinking beer and smoking bud with andre agasie and taking pics of eachother....ok ok andre agasie wasnt with us but he was on the island and we saw him several times.....</div> <bR> <div> So what exciting things happened?....the first night we went to south beach where i got one of my fake IDs taken away...i was like...dude i paid 60$ for that thing comon! and he said...well u got ripped off u can get them for 30$.....i wanted to kick his ass there and then....he was only 6 inches taller then me and probly weighed 6 times what i do in firm compact muscle.....i could take him.....then we went to some restaurant where we got drinks but some dude came over and was trying to double check everyones ID...he accused dani'sstate id of being fake and wanted to talk to the manager so she got up and declared "this is an outrage!!!!! i want the check!!!" and thus she got away with it...</div> <bR> <div> The next night we went out we decided to go to fort lauderdale.....some dude told us it was 20 min away so we figured 30 - 40$ at most for a cab ride which split 4 ways isnt too bad....turned out to be an hour and the cab driver had no idea where he was going so we had to get directions for him.......plus he was drunk and swerving all over the place at all times....have u ever seen one of those videos in drivers ed telling u how not to drive? well this guy embodied it.......anyways we get there around 2...we are all kidna pissed and especialy annoyed after being locked in a cab with dani declaring how much this sucked the whole time....but her attitude changed as soon as we got the clubs and bars.....after paying a total of 80$ for that one way ride to fort lauderdale we hit some bar where immedietly 2 new yorkers bought us all drinks....they kept offering us all shots but no one would take them...except for me....i took them all.....it was nice.....we watched the biki contest and then moved on to fat tuesdays where the party was happening....we met many guys got many free drinks and danced all night but there are a few incidences i must bring up....first was ken....him and his friends came over and began dancing with us...and ken was the hottest...we were all dancing and talking for awhile...and we all had our eye on ken....but as soon as he heard my name was barbara it became ken and barbie.....that will be the only time i get a guy over dani and leha and m-l...simply because my name could be barbie.....a blond bimbo made of plastic....so ken and i started dancing and we really hit it off and he was hot....yes he was...and had a nice body and loved to party...my kinda guy.....then his friends started pulling him away saying he had to leave for class tomorow...i asked them where they go and what the study....well they were all in law school together...ken was a fucking hot law student who was interested in me!!!! now thats an ego booster....he wanted to stay and dance and kept pulling away from his friends but eventualy he gave up...gave me a kiss and left....maybe he was into me cause he was drunk.....haha oh well......next me and m-l met the irish guy thomas who was the sweetest guy we met all vacation....he was from dublin and had a strong accent so half the time we had no idea what he was saying....he com,plained about how he had 40$ american dollars and how it was 5 $ a drink and there was no way he could get drunk off that....haha i love being irish and associating myself with irish pride and how we can drink alot......so we somehow managed to get him into the club for free and he tried to teach us how they dance in ireland while we taught him how to dance american...like grinding.....he seemed to enjoy it greatly...i told him he should teach the girls in ireland to dance that way and he saod hed get hit for even asking......it was funny tho cause when he was trying to dance like the americans (not including grinding) he danced like the dude from pretty fly for a white guy...only the irish man was much much hotter....when he saw other guys grabbing us and trying to hit on us....as all guys do to all girls at clubs aorund this area...he said that was disgusting and never happened in ireland and offered to fight them.....haha we loved thomas man.... meanwhile dani and leah met some guys...mike, chad...and others.....dani fell in love with mikes cool persona and philisophicly bantered with him for awhile.....after two gys tried to shove their tongues down my throat and some guy with flashing lights in his ear and on his phone wearing white pants tried to bring me back to his apartment i decided it was time to leave...and m-l got mad cause she wanted to leave way before.....the drunks were getting out of hand....so we tried to convince leah and dani to leave but they decided it would be a good idea to crash at chad and mike splace for the night...or get a ride home with them...m-l and i decided this would be a bad idea since they might be rapists or murderers or just real skanky and uncool....so we tried to pursuade them to leave...both drunk...dani off with mike somewhere and leah running away in ever which direction....often times trying to get awayfrom chad....eventualy we get down to the street where drunken leah and dani start talking to the cops down there and leah bums a ciggerette off one....that would never fly in ct man.....lol....so while we are trying to call a cab we meet the brits.....the fact that they are british and hot makes us want to exchange numbers.....haha who wouldnt?....and dani and leah wanna hang out with them for awhile...but by thsi time is like 430 or 5 and we need to g3et the fuck home...so we plan on calling them on some yaht the next day......no the yaht wasnt theirs they jsut worked on it....so we get a taxi...spemd another 80$ to get home and then by the time we get back the sky is gettin lighter</div> <bR> <div> Leah and dani go to sleep but m-l and i wanted to get breakfast....which didnt open till 7 and by this point it was 6...so wed go back ever now and then to harrass them and amke them serve us.....we decided to kill some time by watching the sun rise.......amazing......better then any sun set i have ever seen....just the waves the clouds were positioned so close to the water...like little floating marshmellows....and the color on them and the waves of the ocean reflecting these colors....and the way the sun came out hidden by a cloud exposing single rays of gold light that burst out from them......amazing....it was like some sort of beautiful painting that u never really imagined to exist.....maybe it all jsut seemed this good cause of our lack of sleep and state fo dilerium....but whatever....</div> <bR> <div> eeehh i'll continue this later.....</div> <bR> <div> Continuing on we decided to call the brits and have a night out with them.....leah and dani interested in peirce but leah took peirce cause dani had mike...while i tried to go for dan and m-l was attacked by that other dude who was the one brit no one really liked.....dan went home early :( but we seemed to be friends by the end of the night...leah almost got peirce but then his friends made him leave so they could get up in 2 hours to work instead of going skinny dipping with us :(......but we still love british men</div> <bR> <div> yeah i learned how to salsa from dani and the amazing dancing kids down at bayside or whatever it was called.......this one kid got up and started dancing and they all got behind him in lines and started dancing as tho they had practiced a routine before...it was like out of some 80's dance movie where everyone starts randomly dancing in the street unrehearsed but seems to know what they are doing...it was pretty fucking cool.....and i ate lobster</div> <bR> <div> lobster is the best food of all time....after m-l and leah left dani played alot of guitar and i thought up some words for her to use in her songs shes writing so i get co-ownership now...hahahahaha......and i wrote a song on her guitar using my thumb and index finger.....while holding the guitar face up in my lap...dani said the guitar liked playing with me and we should do it again some time........but anyway dani and i were lazy bungholes and ate alot listened to alot of music and watched bad movies that were so bad they were good......like joe dirt.....then one night we went to a bar where we met a child molester who wanted dani...he had been a gym teacher and had dated some of his students.....and he throught dani was 16 yet ll hit on her despite the fact he was 26........then i was challenged to a game of pool....now this was bad cause dani was trying to get me to leave and i kept going...after this game!....so eventualy he followed us out to the taxi and told the taxi driver exactly where we were going...of course not before he got danis fake cell number and offered us a ride.....hehehe</div> <bR> <div> oh shit ya...i forgot about the night we spent no money and snuck into a club without getting carded....by the end of the night everyone in the club thought we were lesbians and we made friends with the DJs who brought us up top the DJ room where i got free ciggerrettes and sex on the beach all night long (the drink u perv)....all we had to do is flirt and get on our knees for the drink....then hed pour it in our mouth...no cvontact was made ok buddy!......now DJ's have the power man...they can usualy get girls to do whatever they want....but as soon as the alcohol was gone dani and i took off....we were like...we will be right back and he replied...thats what they all say...and we promised him we would but instead we got a taxi and dani left with a blinking light on her ass and we left with all our money</div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>I've missed you about three weeks now I'm dying just to taste your lips Could we stomp around your back yard And wreck our clothes in the mud?</b></div> <bR> <div> Todya's anti-drug thing scared me....they have always been a peice of shit but they brought in this group of recovering alcoholics and drug addicts....their lives sounded just like the lives that many of my friends are leading today.....especialy 2 in particular but i think things are getting better so its all good...it made me even want to stop smoking ciggerettes....funny thing is later that day mrs shwartz somehow smelled them on me and seemed a bit angry....haha spring break is finally here.....going to miami for a week and a half with my lovers dani, m-l, and leah b.   good times for all.....laying on the beach all day....drinking and partying all night....hopefully i'll meet some cool intresting people.....do some cool artwork and enjoy the ocean....i fuckin love the ocean....cant wait for nantucket an bonfires and the salt and sun and surfing.....mmmmm the beach is the most wonderful place to be....i feel at home in the water...i want to be a fish.....ya so i wont write in here for a little while.....so dont keep comin back untill a week from weds....i think its the last weds of march i get back</div> <div> so ya....i wish u all a happy and safe spring break...lol.....enjoy the beauty of spring and of life...and of your last HIGHSCHOOL spring break ever!!!!!!!! fuck yes!</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>I choose my company by the beating of their hearts Not the swelling of their heads </b></div> <bR> <div> So today we read yet another depressing story focusing on exastencialism.....grrr its so depressing...and everyone was trying to convince me that the story was still beautiful....and the writing was but i still didnt think it was beautiful....all the descriptions were of cold...bleakness, emptiness....everything was gray...even when the protagonist was reaching epiphany her surroundings were wide open yet still cold and dark and....uuugghhh.....i told them all that i love color and emotion and life...even if it is depressing....confusion and frustration and anger....that i like...emotion....not this depressed nothingness....thats what winters like....thats what i fear....those days i go through life mechanicly and feel a void....just totally empty and hopeless....at least feel some degree of pain...some sharp twisted something.....its what i fear and therefor hate reading stories that try and pull me into that.....but if anything good did come out of english class today it was Mrs Schwartz's profound quote.... "<FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#00FF00" FACE="Times New Roman" >Sometimes growth is the acceptance of reality rather then the escaping of reality in favor of the romantic</FONT>".....so according to exestencialists....one is responsible for their own actions and after the woman reached her epiphany of freedom she went right back to her life of entrapment...because...well that is the life she had chosen and now she had to pay the consequences...she accepted her reality.....well i think thats a load of crap.....cause if none of us saught for the romantic or tried to escape reality progress would never be made...people woulc be depressed and hopeless....we would have never had the woman's movement...blacks would still be slaves...America would not exist...we would still belong to england......if we never dreamed....well as blind melon said "when u stop dreamin boy its time to die"....cause what do u have to live for?....whats the fucking point????? i dont understand u exestentialists...if u are one please explain it to me!!!</div> <bR> <div> turn away from the pain you don't want</div> <div> turning down to avoid them when they call</div> <div> strange words I heard a long long time ago</div> <div> I wish I could go back to a summer time</div> <div> I knew more than twenty years ago</div> <div> can't lay beneath the sheets</div> <div> we lie underneath the maple tree</div> <div> now I can't smile</div> <bR> <div> Depression.....we all get depressed....but why do people feel the need to make it into a compitition.....its always like...no u dont know how i feel...u havnt been through what iv been through....i remember like freshman yr...or maybe 8th grade michelle and i were doin that to eachother...listing the things wrong with our lives to try and make ourselves seem worse off and glorify ourselves by saying how we had more reason to be depressed.....how stupid does that sound?...but its the truth....like yesterday its cause we havnt experienced much yet...so every time we experience something for the first time it feels like we are never gonna get through it...like we wanna die...but as mr guffin said...once u get through it the first time its not so bad the second cause u know in the end u will make it through and everything will be alright...its like pain numbs us...its a defence mechanism so we dont overload ourselves...but its always the worst when so many bad things or changes occur at once that u have never experienced before all at one time......u dont think that u will survive this time....and u feel like your the only one on the planet...again im repeating myself from a prior entry but its like u want to be special or cant imagine anyone being able to survive the pain that u are gowing through when in fact so many people go through so much more...and when others try and tell u theyve been there its like...no but not the same as me...im different and special......well kid you'll make it through...dont give up, dont kill yourself....life is too beautiful and wonderful...even if u dont see hope now it will return....just take it day by day and hold on to those things u have...those close friends...your memories....imagine yourself in 20 yrs laying on a rooftop with some friends smoking and watching the smoke disolve and dance into the stars.....thats life...why cut it short? u dont have long to live anyway.....and no your not worse off or more depressed then anyone else......so deal with it!!!!......half the time those who think to much and deeply into things feel it the worst.....situations turn to bad when there is not so much bad there...and its hard not to let these things get to u at times......so run off into your land of makebeleive like u do as a kid....sometimes it helps.....</div> <div> its not wrong to be depressed cause it helps us feel those full range of emotions and apreciate the good more.....but if anything u may become liek a shell shocked war veteran.....where uv seen and been through so much that nothing hurts anymore....u lose your emotions and go through everything mechanicly....gray...not even black and white but gray....thats what winter is like for alot of us....usualy a change of seasons brings us all back to our sences...haha so superficial we are...but whats wrong with that?.......the mroe u change the less u feel.....and u become less sympathetic to others....damn adults...jsut because they have been through alot doesnt mean they should have total apathy towards there kids....ya they can remember but can they really FEEL...no not like they did when they were our age....they are too bittered by life....i hope i end up like Mrs Dallaway and look at the world as though its the first time...even if its something iv seen a million times....i wanna find something new about the tree outside my room every day....i'll have new grown up eyes to look at it through.....maybe it will be mroe beautiful...maybe i can train my analytical eye through art and find some hidden beauty</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> I have given up on the sparkle that I saw in your eyes</div> <div> I have sinned the sin of wanting more</div> <div> the belly fire pulls the spirit from the corporate whore</div> <div> I'm embarrassed by the plaid you wear</div> <div> if I were you I'd hide behind that stupid bleach blonde hair</div> <div> now I've got no place to go</div> <div> I've got no place to go</div> <div> I've got no one, nowhere, no one</div> <bR> <div> Well so I havnt written in here for a couple days but....im bacfk! first i want to share with u a revelation i made about rage against the machine and where that name came from...so the lead singer of rage...lsiten to his voice....its very primal.....very raw human angst and rageness.....and then the music itself is like industrial and uses the sounds of machines....thuse u have rage (the voice) against the machine....as the voice rages against the industrial machine like music....nice huh?...so it works on two levels...not only is it raging against the system and technology but the music and voice itself is in the name,....</div> <div> Also i noticed the difference in the ways some people talk about themselves.....ya we are all teenagers and are very self centered in our ways....why are we self centered?.....well imagine yourself as a little kid...u havnt gone through much and cant symthathize with anything or anyone cause u havnt been through the same shit the have....uv hardly been through anything at all...all that u know is within the 3 block radius of your world...your neighborhood...your fmaily...your world...so its like as though there is nothign else out there......u are the center of the universe.....cause u dont even know that there is a whole nother universe out there...ok well maybe uv heard about it but your little brain jsut cant fully grasp the concept yet.....and as a teenager you knwo the world exists but since we still are going thr0ough alot for the first time its safer to stay in your own little world...although we realize that others are out there we at times neglect to really understand the impact we have on others and the way in which we ourselves are so insignificant....its the idealistic intoxication of youth....we think we are all gonna grow up to be something that impacts the world tremendouslky when in fact thats only what we wish....most likely hardly any of us will ever impact many others outside of those we meet.....we arnt ready to feel so small and insignificant yet....and i always feel the urge to relate myself and my experiences to others experiences and lives......we are all narcisistic and our way of relating to one another involves trying to find similarities in our lives and thoughts....trying to find a peice of yourself in someone else......so when people tell stories we like to interject and be like...ya that happened to me too...ya i know what u mean....add in a little story of our own.....thats the way communication works.....but sometimes it gets nausiating when people talk on and on about theirselves...it comes to a point where they speak as though they really do think they are the center of the universe and u should feel bad for all they have been through and that they are almost above u in some way because of it....or people talk about how great their weekend was.....when it seems as tho people are trying to glorify themselves and make it sound like everyone wants them or how great and cool their lives are its hard to distinguish between wether they are bragging or if your jsut jelous.....if you originaly didnt like the person or they have something u dont its sometimes jelousy and in reality they are talking about themselves as much as your talking about yourself....sometimes we dont even admit or know we are jelous.....more on jelousy later......anyways when people go on about themselves its fine...we all do it....unless they whine alot...cough cough....we all have problems....shit happens....we have eachother here for support but some things are just to little and petty to obsess over!!!! and i know half the people reading this are thinking to themselves right now...oh my god shes talking about me i bet.....like that time i was bitching about my mom.....hahahahaha im not talkign about u ...u self obsessed wacko...jsut goes to show how self centered we all are cause we always think something soimeone else does has to do with us......especialy when your dating someone....i dont know how much the guys do it but i know with girls we all like to think that brad isnt calling us tonight cause hes annoyed with us or some other catastrophic occurance all leading back to ME.....anyways those who talk on and on about themselves are fine but sometimes these people dont let us interject...thats CRUCIAL......if someone makes a comment back and u dont allow them to add something little in about themselves it gets us angry cause we all at times liek to talk aboput ourselves.....if that person changes the subject and jsut goes right back to themselves as tho u never spoke dont u jsut want to slap them??????.......so kids remember.....if your gonna atlk about yourself let your little friend over there be self centered for awhile too....its an unwritten rule of self obsessed edicit.....</div> <div> JELOUSY...is the most evil emotion....it just grows and gorws and its so hard to get rid of...makes us do crazy things...become way to competitive....we find outselves mimicking the other person in a way we feel will supercede them and soemtimes we dont even notice it....its like we want to become jsut liek them only better....but become really stubborn and act like it was really U all along who said or did something in that way...u LIAR....stop lieing to yourself and accept your jelousy,,,thats the first step to recovery......now jelousy comes in many forms....and sometimes we give ourselves excuses why we arnt jelous but rather hate that person or find them annoying or how much cooler we are then U....but in reality we are all jelous of someone and something....it can bring out the best in us and the worst....and now im losing my train of thought so maybe ill get back to jelousy later...but for now....im hungry!....im jelous of whover is in a resteraunt right now....</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> You and I are like when fire and the ocean floor collide.</div> <bR> <div> Am i an existentialist?.....no deffinitly not.....i agree with the fact that people should make their own decisions and thoughts based on their own intuition but disagree that they should be made without infuence of the outer world...because we live in the outerworld and things around us affect us.....and they think that life has no purpose...that we cant help things from happening....its a very negative perspective and outlook on life.....i beleive that as a whole there is no one purpose to life but we make our own purpose....your purpose and meaning of life is what u decide it to be....i couldnt think that everything is hopeless and go aropund living mechanicly every day...whats the point? why dont they all just commit suicide?...theres no hope...and they disagree with anything having to do with politics, religion, other people.....dude weve got social resposibility to some degree....we cant jsut do whatever we want...they argue that humans are given fear and anxiety as a way of monitering behavior and giving morals etc.....well emotion does do that which is good but what kinda mayhem would we have in the world if we were all individualists???l.....no one would help eachother out......</div> <div> Now religion....religion can be looked at in many different ways....i think some crazy jesus freaks and so forth are hypocrits.....the whole established religion thing is hypocriful...there are so many things that these people say and dont do...like god forgives all....then what gives them the right to judge others? why are homosexuals considered so bad in catholisism.....wont god forgive them for their "sinning".....and there are alot of religious freaks out there who are mean and nasty and dont do shit for others or their neighbor etc....what is that all about???? but for some church is a comfort...wether or not u beleive in god u can go there and find some of the sermons true....and find hope and spirituality knowing there might be someone or something out ther elistening and guiding u through life.....god is something we invented to give us hope and comfort in a chaotic world....if u have nothing else to turn to u have god....and wether or not hes really there for us all its the principle...it helps us to move on with life and find strength......the church can also be a uniting force too...bringing people from all different backgrounds together</div> <div> so does god exist?  I dunno....i beleive there is a higher force out there....cause think about it....most stuff we know how it was created...the earth, the universe....but whats beyond all that?....who or what created it?....was there every a beggening and will there ever be an end......we see stars a million light years away.....meaning that those stars your seeing existed a million yrs ago...we dont even knwo if they still exist....or if there are knew ones....so earth is really young.....our lives are little insignificant specs of time.....so how long ago was the universe created...and before that what existed?....did it form out of nothingness....how is that possible?...there has to be some explination...but since we cant explain it we do so by creating a reason....god...the reason for the inexplicable</div> <div> Maybe there is no beggening and end to everything...maybe space bends like it did in contact...like with wormholes and things...and that the many universes all are created in a bending time warping plain.....and maybe its the fact we only know of 3 dimensions....there re probly dimensions out there that we have yet to discover....but then what created those dimensions....where did the bending thing come from...aaaahhhh my head hurts...perhaps our reasoning capabilities are limited for a purpose...perhaps we will never understand...maybe it was all ment to be that way....ambiguous....haha</div> <bR> <div> Do you know what I love the most? Even suburbs would be o.k. With you between my sheets And the breeze in the window 'Cause we will go there and ignore all our neighbors I think I'll bring you breakfast and play Johnny Cash on the stereo I'll sit in the lazy chair all day remembering the things you do So when you come home I'll jump up to kiss you and it will knock you back You'll fall over our TV set I'll pick you up and dust you off Oh, Baby let's give it a go I'll kiss your thighs to make you feel all right And then I'll get closer to taste a little sweat Oh I think I'm rearing to go You're gonna get knocked out and tied up in my trunk In ten years we'll go to Ohio and steal Cadillac's for a living.</div> <bR> <div> The quote above is from a saves the day song......chris is the man.....he knows how i feel....he knows how we all feel about love....he is the master of the sadness of love and loss......and if chris would hold true to that song right above there.....well hes gonna be my husband...hahahaha...despite the fact hes a skinny emo boy</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> I took a piss that lasted longer than you and your manipulations</div> <bR> <div> I need something new and profound to say but i really dont.....iv been to...aahh i dont know...not getting enough sleep...it makes me really cranky and moody and over analyse things and then makes me sad.....life is a drug.....im high on life....haha thats cliche to say but at times there are situations in life that act like drugs....sex for instance....or the feeling u get when ur kissing, holding , touching, talking to someone that u love or love as a friend.....its like...wow....i feel so incredibly good right now....and then afterwards u have an emotional hangover.....or certain songs of course....music and art is a drug for me....its like heightened emotion....when u hear that guitar solo that just strikes a chord in u somewhere that makes u melt or jump...or your eyes light up.....osngs trigger memories....like flashbacks....when u hear the song u remember that time u were sitting on the beach with 2 of your closest friends....or the song that u constantly listened to after u broke up with your first love.....the puppy love break up....it hurts the worst....and everyone has a couple songs they can remember from it....aahh stream of conciousness....certain smells, sounds, feelings....that trigger strange memmories in your head...and sometimes u dont even know why...sometimes when u hear a song u have no idea where that feeling u are getting is coming from but u know it has something to do with your past......how does music do that?  its so amazing.  I have to say that Eric Claptons....shit i forget the name of the song...the one thats like "would u know my name...if i saw u in heaven"...thats one of the saddest songs i have ever heard....well now it is after a certain experience about a yr ago....every time i hear it i start crying or have to turn it off...its to painful.....aaahh im like the dude from Sonny's blues.....the narrator who cant except pain (well i can but not the really really bad kind) and keeps it outside of himself and tries not to think about it and pushes away everything that makes him hurt....but in its place is a block of ice inside a deep hole in his soul.  I figured out what song i want to be played at my funeral.....change by blind mellon.....its incredibly sad yet hopefull at the same time.....i always thought smashing pumpkins would do a funeral justice but change is deffinitly perfect....but drugs can heighten sensations and emotions at times....so im totally for recreation use of drugs in order to reach euphoric states....i jsut think they should be used in moderation....u know when your in a safe place...its the weekend your jsut chilling....and u can enjoy the affects.....</div> <div> Do you know whats really strange? Mirrors and pictures.....havnt u always noticed u look alot different in the mirror then in a picture....is it because when u look in the mirror u focus on certain points of yourself and a picture is like your whole being.....or maybe its cause u were captured in the moment....or cause u see things backwards in the mirror.....like when your doing a painting your supposed to look at it both normaly and in the mirror....cause when u see it in the mirror u began to see abnormalities or problems with it that u couldnt see looking directly at it.....so maybe the fact u mainly see yourself in the mirror and then suddenly see a picture is like seeing the reverse image of what u normaly see.....and u can start picking out things about your appearence u normally dont....i look alot better in mirrors then i do pictures.....lol.....and have u ever noticed that depending on your mood u concentrate on different things when u look in the mirror.....like when im in a good mood i look at my eyes and my lips and things like that...the stuff i like about myself......and then when im in a bad mood i look at my nose and skin and how ugly they are.....sometimes i look in the mirror and i look hot and sexy and beautiful and other times im an ugly fuck who looks like a zombie or a scrub.....i think everyone does that.....one day they look great and another day they look ugly....so our emotions really do affect the way we see things....thats why if u love someone they become 10 times hotter then when u first knew them.....i dunno sometimes i stare at random people from school who i think are kinda ugly at first site...and then i start looking at specific things about them and they have great bonme structure...nice eyes etc....and then they arnt ugly anymore but quite attractive (im talkin both guys and girls)...of course looks arnt the msot important thing in the world but its intresting how our mind inturprets the things we see......like right behind your eyes there is some sort of colored sullifane (sp?) that filters everything u see.....only its complex and changes color...more liek a colidiscopre that all the images u see go through before it reaches your brain and u perceive it...so things look differently depending how u look at them.....its strange to think that maybe the person sitting next to u sees something completly different....i mean we all know what red is....but suppose red is actualy what u call yellow but that person knows yellow as red......ahhh weird....i wanna see through someone elses eyes......maybe one day they will invent glasses like that...so u can see things physicly the way someone else sees them....but that would take alot of complex brain study huh?....maybe theyv already done something similar to that...they have with animals cause they know they can see certain colors but aminly black and white....cause of pigments in their eyes...but again..what color are those colors really?......AAHH im rambling....i'll think of something profound and enlightening to say later...untill then...play with appearences....</div> <bR> <div> <B>FreeJeffLove: do smoke or not to smoke</b></div> <div> <B>Danbini: that is the question</b></div> <div> <B>FreeJeffLove: indeed</b></div> <div> <B>Danbini: whether tis nobler in the bong to suffer the infinite stabs of sobriety</b></div> <div> <B>FreeJeffLove: lol</b></div> <div> <B>FreeJeffLove: brb</b></div> <div> <B>Danbini: or to take the trees unto the end of life's contumely</b></div> <div> <B>Danbini: to die, to sleep,</b></div> <div> <B>Danbini: perchance to weed nap,</b></div> <div> <B>Danbini: for in that fear of sleep what dreams may come, when we have shaken off this thc coil</b></div> <div> <B>Danbini: ok i forget the rest.  nay, fair knave, can't smoke. i got a paper ~</b><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Times New Roman" ><B>Hamlet...as told by jeff and dan</b></FONT></div> <bR> <div> I went to take a ciggerette break this afternoon between my last history exam essay and the crime and punishment paper.....and i was sitting out on the screened in porch in the new addition.....its so weird cause its under a canopy of giant pine trees that seem to me liek a forest of redwoods....and they stretch for miles back behind my house.....and it was damp....just having rained last night....and the trees were dripping.....and u could hear the water...falling into the vegitation below.....and how ti was kinda warm and humid....there were birds squacking and crickets sounding......it was like being in a fucking rain forest......and i was in a tree house...it was aswome......i wanna go live in a rainforest.....i bet its really peaceful there.....well besides the insects and animals and storms...but ya....it would be cool.....and id lay out on my hammock wiht a rum and coke in one hand and the end of a hooka in the other.....mmmmmmmm</div> <div> that kinda distracted me for awhile...from the real issue....my lack of getting ass.....i need more play.....im horny, and not satisfied......i want someone to come to my hosue every day and do wild things to me.....and then i would be happy...but theres no one aorund here in weston......the evil town of weston.....i need college.....i need sex</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> and life is a </div> <div> sleazy stranger</div> <div> who looks vaguely familiar</div> <div> flirting with a bimbo named disaster</div> <div> at the end of the bar</div> <bR> <div> Todays topic.....communication.......one of the most important things in the world....lately iv been writing on my page alot...i usualy hate writing but have the urge to write...iv tried starting journals and things but it jsut isnt cool....cause i need other people to read it otherwise its like pointless for me...i dont think its an attempt to show off...cause if just one eprson reads it and comments...i feel special and that im glad i wrote that....lately people have been leaving me messages or mention ing to me that.....wow me and my friends had that conversation yesterday...thats so cool! or i always think about that......and then people open up to u...and sometimes tell u things u percieve to be bits about themselves that harly anyone or maybe no one knows about.....and thats where communication comes in....when u start a conversation with someone u initially begin by trying to find bits of info u have in commen.....like do u know this person??? or what kidna music are u into?....and then soemtimes u find nuetral gorund...something u can both agree with like....isnt it a beautiful day oput today>???,,,once u have that commen ground u feel a little bit more comfortable and can start discussing other topics.....the same is with writing....u open up commen ground....sometimes u open windows between u and other people u never knew existed......they say...i know what u ment by that...i feel that all the time....and although u dont have the satisfaction always as feeling like your the special one who invented that thought....some thoughts...especialy having to do with pain and struggle...that u have in commen with people make u feel not so alone...like there is someone else out there that knows what ur talking about and how u feel....and u dont feel so empty......i guess thats what art is all about...expressing what u feel or just what u do....and u may not even realize u are expressing something inside of u...it just comes out that way.....and other people see your work (for whats the point in creating if u cant share it?).....and they come up to u and say how they really enjoyed that peice....only i think its harder for people to read art sometimes then it is to read words.....dani and leah B are always making stuff in the art room...and they always say it sucks...cause, well at least with dani, they dont center their lives around being an artist and making portfolios.....but whether they realize it or not i love the stuff they do....dani's colors and designs that look like spilling paint or something...and are kidna trippy....they say something about her...and same with leah's sp like spiderwebish earthy toned drawings.....there is so much to be said and so much somes out of their work but u cant describe it with words and sometimes i dont even think they see what they are expressing........ok enough with my artsy expression talk........but anyway i think its important we open up windows to one another like this......u can write or paint or sing the simplest thing...and it will open something up in a person that makes them wanna tell u something they have hardly told anyone......its amazing and strange.....and i dont think we can handle what we feel...or at least those who really think and feel strongly....we cant bottle it all up and not share it whith anyone....or else wed explode...so we have to share it with people but sometimes we dont know how....or we dont think we want to....like when a friend hides pain from u for the longest time...and wont talk to u when they are upset...or tells jsut u and u have no idea how to handle the situation....so u get scared......and what if they tell u not to tell anyone...what do u do then?.....do u do as they say and keep it to yourself....or do u go against the're will and tell someone who can help....betraying theyre friendship but at the same time saving them from hurting themselves or from other people hurting them.......which in the long run would be better....or would it?.....do u have a right to get involved?.....life...wow...maybe its like the language barrier...some complex code u can crack....no life is way to complicated for that....u will never have the right or wrong answer...its jsut an aswer...and what happens happens.....and u learn from it wether it turns out for the best or worst.......and in the end communication is jsut a way for us to live....to breath...to prevent explosions.....i mean imagine how lonely we all are with all these people in the world.....imagine if no one else was around (doo doo doo twilight zone).....but seriously if u were the only one left on earth.....no i cant even comprehend what that would be like........im lonely enough in a world full of people......i wanna get inside someones head.....haha i told a friend that once and i think i scared him...he was like noooo......i guess we need privacy too....aaahhh back to english class...Mrs Dalloway.....ultimate aloneness.,...and what is mroe important? heart or soul?...would u rather share everything or keep private.....hehe......what a fucked up yet wonderful thing this communication is...i think we should expand on it...</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> I don't want for anything that I don't have </div> <div> all I want is waiting for me there </div> <div> for me there </div> <bR> <div> Ya so last night....i went to jew club with leah....it was an intresting experience....first we get to this dance....and obviously it sucks..everyone is standing aorund despite the fact that strobe lights are flashing and music is playing...its the perfect set up for a good time yet nobody is utilizing it....so i walk in and im like...lets do this....lets get this thing started...haha.....so kate and i go out there....me lookin all slutty in my tank top that shows off my stomache with the dragon on it...haha....and we start dancing...i mean like raunchy, energetic, full hearted dancing...and everyones kidna lookin at us like we're nuts....we're trying to get people to dance and they jsut give us weird looks.....whats the crime in having a good time??? well while the rest of them were complaining about this and that and how they wernt having a good time or how bobby wouldnt dance with them...we are the ones making it our own....making it into a party...for at least ourselves......but then someone told ym friend it looked like i had to much to drink.....what the hell?....its like u need the excvuse of a mind altering substance to have a good time nowadays.....yes i had one beer before i went in...but it was one!!!!!!!!!! that doesnt do shit....that wwas all me out there.....so whats there problem?....then the christian jokes broke out....they were making fun of the fact we were in some church community center and how all of the christians thought jesus is the way......and bashing and mocking jesus.....meanwhile my friend is standing right there being totally christian....i didnt say much cause im not very religious....but the fact that the jews have had years of discrimination should put them on higher ground and realize that bashing other peoples religion is NOT cool......she told them she was southern baptist and people began commenting on it as though it were a big joke...she handled it well but the morning after we were discussing how we never bash any religion in the church or in any sort of youth group......maybe it was all one big joke to them.,.....but ya so we went back to this girls house and everyones looking at us funny.....everyone is very preppy or nicely dressed with there pretty jewlry and make up....i got a belly shirt....huge baggy pants ....losts of silver jewlry and spikes.....not to mention i was twice as tall as everyone there....except for 2 of the guys.....all the rest of the guys and girls...all 30 of them were shorter then me....aaahhhh......so i was stickin out like a sore thumb....then we're talking to this guy and at some point he goes...ya i understand your leah's friends...u know...weston girls....as though we are all the same....for one neither kate and i are like leah at all....i dont even spend much time in weston....i go to school in westport and hang out in shelton and bridgeport and fairfield alot of the time.....kate just moved back from canada where she has spent most of her highschool years.....so what the hell is that guy doing stereotyping us....we are so different from eachother (my friends and i) which makes it fucking aswome but all these other people....at first glimpse all seemed the same.....maybe im wrong.......so anyway kate starts throwing up......and we gotta leave...the host girl seems fucking ripped about the whole thing and we cant find our way out cause the only ddoor we can leave out of is locked from the inside....WHO LOCKS THERE DOOR FROM THE INSIDE????? so finally she lets us out and we get home at like 4 a.m.......what a night.....after that and the whole jock thing.....no more letting leah take me places...unless i have a backup plan....hehe</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> I don't feel the suns coming out today</div> <div> It's staying in, its gonna find another way</div> <div> As I sit here in this misery I don't think I'll ever see the sun from here</div> <div> And oh as I fade away, they'll all look at me and say,</div> <div> Hey look at him I'll never live that way</div> <div> But that's ok their just afraid to change</div> <bR> <div> So many things are beautiful when your stoned....ok well more beautiful then usual.....traffic lights, the ocean, chocolate milkshakes...funny little punk boys.....my lesbian lover marie-laure....grunge pants.....blind mellon.....my bowl.....the christmas lights in my room....the green highlighter sitting there on my desk.....cvs.....my dogs hair all over my bed......musicians on heroin (was the guy wearing a skirt5 at that bar in nyc on heroin?)....the sky....the moon....the liquor cabinet....a giant glass of cool refreshing water from the springs of Alaska....my key chain.....the sound of the wind through the trees....insence.....pain killers....dildos.....my first sony.....the globe....chupa choops.....grass.....dirt.....love...life................my middle finger.........</div> <bR> <div> ya thats what u get for reading that whole fucking list....</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> we seek the unseekable and we speak the unspeakable</div> <div> our hopes dead gathering dust to dust</div> <div> in faith, in compassion, and in love</div> <bR> <div> So im getting back to the ritilin thing that i was talking about farther down on this page.  I was jsut having a discussion about it and made me think about it again.  I would do anything not to ever have to take ritilin, aderol, concerta....ever again....but that will never happen.  I can't just give it up...and iv tried before.....with A.d.d. i cant read a page of a book....nothing registers....i would never be able to read those great books in english that make me question things....or get really proud when i got something right for once and dani got it wrong...hahahaha...thats a big deal to me...makes me feel proud. lol....but ya with this disorder i cant focus.....i lose things constantly....i forget to brush my teeth....i forget to turn off the car at school and leave it running when i walk into the bulding...even forget to put the car in park....its almost like a danger sometimes.  I get so frustrated....i dont think u understand how frustrated i really get....people can run through an assignment pretty quickly and it would take me hours and id make all these mistakes....its like having no memory...like im stuck in momento or something....and i know im smart but i know theres something wrong with me....i used to get in trouble alot for forgetting homework or doing something stupid...like forgetting to turn off the oven or clean my room and id get yelled at for hours....and i jsut couldnt help it....id do it over and over again....i spent so many hours crying when i was little cause of it....what the fuck is wrong with me id always wonder.........then my parents took me to a bunch of education consultants....and i got tested for so much shit....i found out i had some disorder where i couldnt sequence things....i could remember them but i couldnt keep them straight.....i could read a story and not know what happened first......ya alot of people do that occasionaly but i REALLY have a problem with it...so i have to write everything out....i mean everything....and have to do alot of extra work most people dont really need to do....cant keep anything straight in my head.....can u tell this when i write maybe??? maybe u can tell i have a.d.d. when i write...its like one long stream of conciousness paper....maybe thats why that assignment was so easy for me in english...cause this is how i always think.....and anylitical papers....ya i can do them well now but its very hard for me and takes me forever......aaahhh i hate it so much cause its like a trap....i cant get out of it...my mind represses me....and i have all these great ideas but they are so abstract and i cant formulate them.....ever.....and i wanna bang on walls and break them and shoot myself.....i just want my mind to be free.....and then when i take ritilin...</div> <div>       Well i talked about that further down on this page...how everything is gray....but why dont i stop? cause i want to be able to remember stuff and be able to spend not so much time on work....i want to show the world what im made of.....i dont want to be a prisoner in my brain....i dont want to cry cause i cant think straight....i want to function like a normal person.....i want to feel normal.....taking pills doesnt make me feel normal....i wont ever be normal....i dont care if u see me as normal.....but i dont want to feel like i have to use a sort of crutch....i have a need for independence.....but i have to face the facts...cause when i dont take ritilin...(and iv tried not to) my grades go down to the 70's and 60's....and i know im smart!!! i know i am....its just all confused and not right....its one big muddle....and then i try hard to bring up the grades but i cant cause nothing makes sence....aahhh i want to put u inside my head so u know what its like.....how painful it can be...how u wanna kill someone or even yourself.....</div> <div> I hate taking it but i have to....i would never abuse it tho...my shrink says people with ADD never abuse the drug cause it gives um a different high....a very bad one.....like u go crazy and have panic attacks and sweat and want to cry...something is always bothering u but u dont know what and u cant ignore it....even if u dont take too much it makes u feel irritated with simple things and...aahhhh i hate it....but as leah F wrote in her college essay....it does make u stronger and u do learn to deal with it....i mean what other choice do u have?....i learn methods of dealing....and improving my ways of studying and thinking....and sometimes this constant brain struggle is aswome for art and makes u do crazy adventerous things with it.....and i want to live...theres too much beauty...to many things left to discover....about the world...about myself...about what i am capable of despite the fact i have ADD.....maybe i can develope some better drug or method for people with the disorder so they dont have to feel like this.......</div> <div> ritilin can make people who dont have add feel good adn study like theyv never studies before...and it can be great for them...and i wish i could experience that...but when i take it...im jsut closer to being able to study adn remember things the way i would if i didnt have this....not even fully...but partly living up to my potential.....but its one of those things....if it doesnt kill ya it makes u stronger....</div> <div>      </div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> When you feel your life ain't worth living, you've got to stand up and </div> <div> take a look around you then a look way up to the sky</div> <div> And when your deepest thoughts are broken, keep on dreamin boy cause</div> <div> when you stop dreamin its time to die</div> <div> And as we all play parts of tomorrow </div> <div> Some ways we'll work and other ways we'll play</div> <div> But I know we can't all stay hhere forever</div> <div> So I want to write my words on the face of today</div> <div> .....And then they'll paint it</div> <bR> <div> I want to be perfect for you....i want you to see me as a queen....as your servant....as your dream. ----eat me up and spit me out...spin me round...make me stop-----artificial love was never ment to be this way------the color red intruding on gray day-----beckoned me from the lips of a traitor-----of you...of a smile-----</div> <div> potent, inequitable-----lust turned love----needle to burn----let me go...hold me tight-----turn out the light to hide my eyes----the glow from inside that extinguishes only by the sound of................silence............the loudest sound known to man...... to love.......the silence of sound.....the silence of color.....the silence of touch....of feeling....of world turned black...or white....no matter....its blank-------</div> <div>                                                                                                                                                                       its over<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FFFFCC" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <bR> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> close your eyes</div> <div> until the sunlight dies</div> <div> in your head a thousand stars</div> <div> through the darkness you can see love light</div> <div> and if they steal your light</div> <div> your heart is still in mine</div> <bR> <div> All I know about music is that not many people ever really hear it.  And even then, on rare occasions when something opens within, and the music enters, what we mainly hear, or hear corroborated, are personal, private, vanishing evocations.  But the man who creates the music is hearing something else, is dealing with the roar rising from the void and imposing order on it as it hits the air.  What is evoked in him, then, is of another order, more terrible because it has no words, and triumphant, too, for that same reason.  And his triumph. when he triumphs, is ours.</div> <bR> <div> You gotta understand </div> <div> You gotta understand </div> <div> It's just a fact that you must attack </div> <div> You gotta get it while you can Well everyone's gonna be a big star </div> <div> Everyone's gonna drive a fast car </div> <div> Everyone's gonna be in charge </div> <div> Cause everybody's business is everybody's business </div> <div> Yeah, we'll come to your town </div> <div> Yeah, we'll help you party down </div> <div> Yeah, we'll lay the melody down for you</div> <bR> <div> Today is a day to talk about how we are never really one thing.....and although we all feel unique and creative and special sometimes its most likely that someone else out there has some of that same unique specialness which then makes it not unique or special at all but jsut like something that already exists....but if u take a bunch of those special unique creativenesses and u put them together in a way that no one has ever thought of before.....then u have a unique form of special creativeness which in the end comes out to be simply a collaboration of pseudo artsyness......yes pseudo is the perfect word to explain everything in the world....dani and i can testify to this....we are all pseudo something because we try to live up to an ideal....an image we have created in our heads of who we want to be and where we want to go.....therefor whatever we do is not perfect but rather a pseudo form of our own ideals.....i am pseudo artsy....pseudo sexy...pseudo intellectual...pseudo leader....pseudo follower....pseudo cool....pseudo human......haha perhaps i dont even really exist....maybe im just pseudo reality....and you are the one who is making me reality......i think i am one person but you see me as another...through your own eyes and beleifs...through the tint of your own unique cornia u see me differently then any other person sees me.....looks wise....personality wise....some hate me...some love me...some think im beautiful and others think im ugly......some think im an idiot and others think im the smartest man alive......so who am i??? am i who u see me as or who the check out boy at the grocery store sees me as......am i a collaberation of the pseudo identities different people impose on me?...maybe im all those things...a little bit of everything...the essence of dichotomy and pseudoness.....</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> I taste, I love</div> <div> I come, I bleed enough</div> <div> I hate, I'm not</div> <div> I was, I want too much!</div> <bR> <div> I can't take this.....i cant write....i cant say what i wanna say......i dont know how to tell u how i feel.....or what i see....in u...in everyone.....in everything.....the beauty...the anguish....the confusion......i cant make it known but its tearing at my insides.....i cant articulate make beautiful poetry....i used to be able to but nothing ....ahhh....nothing makes sence.....its like the never ending story...where the nothingness comes and takes everything away and your left with floating fragments of what once was.....no wait its not.....what the hell am i talking about?.....ah im crazy.....crazy man.....brain not functioning correctly.....overload.......going to explode.....i need to breath....ct air is strangling me....i need more change....i want something crazy and phycotic to happen.......wait kates friends are being crazy...they are mad at her about the whole RI thing...haha...this is funny....this is me talking to myself....u ever wonder what barbara says when she talks to herself?....now u will....why are u still reading this?...you should probly go to the next passage...its probly alot more comprehensible then this........anyways they are mad at her for hooking up with a guy.....staying in a hotel room with him...i was there man!!! its ok!!!! he is not gonna rape her or try to do anything too kinky and fucked up.....i will save her virginity!.....why cant a girl get some?? everyone has needs......i am so angry right now...why??? why am i depressed...3 min ago i was fine....aahh i hate it when this happens....must be coming off the ritilin.....arg people fucking suck right now....why wont people listen to eachother? must be that whole language barrier i was talking about yesterday.....ahh people are also having problems picking up their phone.....and its to late to call some others.....i need someone to talk to...lol.....where did everyone go? i hate u but i need u....the irony.....i think i will disolve into some smashing pumpkins...</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> i need a word to say what i can't say!!!</div> <bR> <div>   Today Dani and I were working on our english project on this short story called Sonny's Blues by James Baldwin....its about this guys brother who becomes a heroin addict....but the reason why he becomes one is intresting....he needs an escape...hes passionate and needs a way to express himself so he plays piano and translates his life into jazz...but no one ever listens....so he took heroin and then he could listen to his own music...he could cope with the suffering chaos that somehow made sence in the notes....he was outside himself and there before him was his suffering....an almost tangible form....he could understand.....yet at the same time the drugs were killing him and kept him...killing the suffering momentarily...confusing his mind untill he saw no need to play any longer....killing himself while he tried to escape from suffering.....but all must suffer.</div> <div> I try to escape through things too....my art mainly...but its so frustrating when i cant express something...cause i feel something so much and anything i try and do to try and form and mold it into something people can see or watch just doesnt capture whats inside of me....i feel like just throwing a bunch of paint onto a canvas....big blotches of red...RED like blood and life and lips.....and all the colors that are always flooding my head....sometimes i just want to get them out so i can focus for once.....thats what ADD is like....too many colors and lines and things catching your eye all around u....thousands of thoughts racing through your head at once and becoming tangled like a bunch of necklaces in a jewlry box that got all knotted up....and soon so many things are flooding through your head it just tires u out...becomes one big muddle and mess and u cant make any sence of it...so u just give up and let it float around up there like a big heavy storm cloud.....and u cant see anything straight or think straight....every now and then the shine off of your teacher's bald head catches your eye and u start on a new thought which leads to a million others...then the emotions and colors....and pretty soon u get a cloud.....or what we like to call.....the brain veil</div> <bR> <div> Taking ritilin (or actually concerta) is good and bad....its good cause for once u can actualy concentrate...but then u concentrate on things too deeply....until they disturb u and make u wanna cry.....somehow while asking a teacher for an extension for an assignment today something triggered in my memmory of when last year i had so much work....and alll this shit was going on with friends and family and the world and i almost had a mental break down....and then in a split second while standing there and talking with my teacher i focused on that pain so much i almost started crying.....but other then that u can think about something very clearly and understand it and philosiphize (sp?) and create theories much more quickly and easily....and find antiderivitives without paying attention to the bullshit formulas mr matte gives us to confuse us....and u actualy enjoy going to school and learning in certain classes and make connections and get all excited so that u talk to much in english....hahaha</div> <div> but then u also lose a big part of your personality and your other passion....creative type passion....loving beauty and pain and life type passion....u lose those thousands of thoughts racing through your head.....u sit there feeling stoned....not stoned like when your high....just kinda dull...and BLAH (this is a very good adjective for it).....u feel gray and eternaly bored when sitting with your friends....staring blankly at the water at barringhill beach....irritated when people try to talk to u....u just wanna sit in silence...or go finish your physics hmwk.....its odd...its so not me.....the light reflecting off of long island sound...dancing like little crystals doesnt facinate me anymore....nor do i question where that seagull is off to....or what the life of the old man sitting in the pick up truck parked next to us is like.....i just sit and stare and think of blah-dom....its gray...comletly gray and all those colors are gone./.....but now i can articulate myself better and intellectualize better....but i have no feeling or emotion...one side of my brain is turned off and the other on....both are powerful but some connection doesnt get made...</div> <div> blah im talking about sex with someone right now....ill continue this later</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> I need no reason for the first time in my life </div> <div> I just need to be on my way </div> <bR> <div>  <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Times New Roman" >Why do  heroin addicts always end up being such aswome musicians.....?</FONT></div> <div> Im reading about a heroin addict in a short story for english right now....and this dude felt entrapped by his environment and ended up as using heroin as an escape....is that what will become of me in ct?....uh oh i better run away fast...to australia i think i'll go.</div> <div>    Today one of my friends said another one of my friends didnt like him/her (i will not reveal info >;) but um i said to them...thats jsut the way they are...they dont hate u.....which is true....some people jsut give off a certain impression to some.....its strange how we all go through many similar things in life...and have the same basic human instincts and are equipped with a heart, brain....etc....but how did we end up the way we are...shaped by our experiences and the people we meet.....and then our personalities and the way we move and speak and think are so different yet the same....hmmm......its like everyone has their own language...and when u get to know a person (i mean really know them) u begin to learn their language....u know what they mean when they say certain things...make certain gestures or facial expressions.....sometimes what can be mistaken for contempt and rudeness is nothing more then a sarcastic jest of sympathy.....but u wouldnt know that if u didnt speak their language.....i think alot of people (at least our age and younger) make the mistake of thinking that either they are the only one who thinks and feels a certain way or think that everyone else thinks the same way they do.....in the end we all have the inborn abilities, restraints, characteristics of human nature.....yet they are all under some sort of complex code.....like a computer...a whole weird matrix that doesnt make any sence to anyone....sometimes not even the person it belongs too....one emotion leads ot another and then triggers another memmory or thought and then u act, speak, something.....and it comes out in your own language......i love trying to figure out people's languages.....tap into their thoughts and why they do things......people facinate me....im glad im people</div> <div> tap into my code</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> descend the darkened stairway </div> <div> make hate with plastic playmates </div> <div> and fire out remaining traces </div> <div> of your self esteem </div> <div> mainline the deepest secrets </div> <div> lick clean the dirty fingers </div> <div> i am a stranger to you </div> <div> as you are to yourself</div> <bR> <div> Why private school sucks.....finding out right after exams that an exam u thought u wouldnt have is now due friday in the form of 2 5 page essays.....suck ups (ill get back to that one)....everyone pretending they care but are just doing it for college apps.....bitchy self centered rich kids who dont realize there is a world outside fairfield county.....an english presentation due friday and a paper due monday after u just find out about the history exam u gotta do.....people who use self tanner and think they look hot in their new orange chemicly enhanced skin.....curves being messed up by that 1 smart person who has nothing else to do on the weekends but study.....the food.....the strictness.....the lack of a variety of interesting people (with the exeption of maybe like 15 people)...getting to walk into elementary schoolers 24-7.......work work and more work....uniform....sports requirements....people who bash u behind your back with YOUR friends and think that your friends arnt gonna tell u (like about how u get in lots of accidents when uv only been in one during a snow storm....and how u talk to much in english.....hey at least i have something interesting and unique to say.....try not repeating everyone else bitch!)....scrubby wannabe hippies....people who bash your music yet think nirvana is a bad 80's metal band......mean nerds.....britney spears look alikes....people who decide that the freshman must bow down to the seniors when they are smaller then them.....</div> <div>                          SUCKING UP</div> <div> is bad...dont do it.....yes we all want something in life and some people will go to any length to get it....but at the same time they sacrifice their dignity....my mother told me that if i wanna do well in this world i have to suck up.....well i have a brain...and determination....im a smart girl and im sure i can find other more respectable means of getting what i want out of life without kissing ass all the time....people will be kissing mine....and i will have no respect for them....maybe that will teach um something.....well hey i guess u gotta do what u gotta do....but i rather not stoop to the level of butt kisser....thats not for me....</div> <bR> <div> i need a love to help me find my way</div> <div> i need a strength that i cannot betray</div> <div> i need a word to say what i can't say</div> <bR> <div> Is suicide beautiful?  Or an act of selfishness and cowardice?  Like all things in life suicide has a dichotomy to it....as do the people who commit it.  Literature always seems to find a way to embody this...glorify or pervert suicide into some sort of martyrdom....back to ms shwartz's english class.....haha how sad...but i always end up asking myself questions like this during class....if i were to kill myself by throwing myself from a window as an escape from the "principle" or conformity....would it be beautiful like septimus's death...would some understand me and feel closer to me because of it?  or would i hurt those who once loved me.....i cant help but think of how one day in class we spoke of how when someone dies or is injured those who knew the person or had an aquantancy with them seem to find a type of excitement and pride in knowing the afflicted....people stand and stare....and dont nescisarily take action....they jsut point and say "i know that person!"  if i killed myself would everyone who had ever met me become excited and prideful upon hearing of my death....use my death as a story...about how they once knew this girl who threw herself from a window?  Why give them the satisfaction?  I think i'll live a while longer :)  </div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> Time is never time at all</div> <div> You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth</div> <div> And our lives are forever changed</div> <div> We will never be the same</div> <div> The more you change the less you feel</div> <div> Believe, believe in me, believe</div> <div> That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain</div> <div> We're not the same, we're different tonight</div> <bR> <div> I want to become a gorilla photographer....i saw this guy on the news who has random people go to random places...including time square nyc....and has people get naked and takes pics of them in every day poses....then they put back on their trench coats on run.....not only is it beautiful but its fucking aswome!!!! but i need a model first.....any volunteers?</div> <div> Also i would like to take this time to bitch (wow thats surprising) about how people change......yes i know change is important and makes life exciting but every now and then u get an urge for the old and the comfortable....i especialy like that out of people....u know the good old days....lol, and everyone seems to be changing alot right now....not a bad thing, not a good thing....jsut uncomfortable.....usually i love change but sometimes with old friends u jsut want things to stay as they are...but that cant happen...people grow...move on....and others grow closer....isnt it a crazy life?  Maybe theyre not changing...maybe its me....maybe thats good.....i think miami is sounding very nice right now....</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> unleash the armageddon </div> <div> so all the children go to heaven </div> <div> i sit by quiet still </div> <div> with their pictures on my eyes </div> <div> you'll draw the guns your given </div> <div> write down the words as written </div> <div> and never disturb the presense </div> <div> of resurrection crutch</div> <bR> <div> As I babble on writing on this page i realize that i am unable to really say what i feel.  Words do not do justice to any emotion.  They are simply reason.  Although some words and writing can evoke images and emotion they are not as powerful for me as art is.  It's so true that a picture can say a thousand words...just pure color makes u feel and react in a certain way that is undefinable by words.  Poetry for instance can be beautiful if crafted correctly but can never make me feel the way a beautiful image can.  I used to try and write poetry but i would get so frustrated because it never came out the way i wanted, or never really affected people the way i wished it too.  It is simply a form of communication from which idea's can be derived.  Now a painting for instance can say millions of things.  The images, the composition, use of space, colors, style...everything about ti can be interpreted differently and evoke hatred, love...so many things...and u may not even realize why u feel that way when u look at it.  The way each person interprets a painting is completly different from everyone else...and is incredibly personal.  Even when I paint....i see an image in my head but it never turns out looking the way i imagined....perhaps its the restraints of my own ability or maybe my brain and eyes are playing tricks on me...parts of my self concious are going into it that i wasnt expecting....writing could never do that for me....There are very few writers that really touch me in that way...i think art is so much more complex and meaningful because there is no end to what u can do with the simpelest image or color.  Poetry is shit.....or maybe im just more of a visual person...maybe i cant connect with words the same way?  I dunno.....ask the poets....</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> the river has more colors at sunset than my sock drawer ever dreamed of</div> <bR> <div> There are some songs that make me cry....mainly smashing pumpkins songs....they make me happy and sad at the same time....happy because they have the ability to explain how i feel...no only through the lyrics but through the music (thats why i like corgans emotional voice despite the fact it sounds like a broken radiator)...but while it is able to explain the way i feel...im not always happy to feel that way...while it can define that giant black hole inside of me...it reminds me of it and makes me upset.....so why do i listen to smashing pumpkins if it depresses me and reminds me of the things i wish not to be reminded of....i guess i have a secret subconcious desire to feel....to feel strongly no matter how much it hurts or how painful it is....its the passion i love and the reminder that i can feel to such an extent...reminds me im human in the bleakness of winter.</div> <div>      Could that be why we attach ourselves to things we know cause us pain and can only end in bad news?  Its an emotional addiction...haha or maybe in some cases a yearning for the past....those beautiful moments we cant let go of and we hope to one day see again....like with people u may have loved but love no more yet cant bare to part with.</div> <div>     This is why drugs are bad.....no this is not an anti drug commercial telling u to be high on life....and yes i still party...its sometimes a nice temporary release from the world....but at a certain point it gets to be too much....u do the drugs..numb yourself....and then u feel neither the good nor bad....it goes from being an entire crayola box of emotions to one single gray crayon....boring man....(although weed can make smashing pumpkins sound like the touch of heaven) maybe weed is ok...maybe its cause i dont do it every day....i dunno.....</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> i need a love to help me find my way</div> <div> i need a strength that i cannot betray</div> <div> i need a word to say what i can't say</div> <bR> <div> The leaden circles disovled in the air.  Such fools we are, she thought, crossing Vctoria street.  For Heaven only knows why one loves it so, how one sees it so, making it up, building it round one, tumbling it, creating every moment afresh; but the veriest frumps, the most dejected of miseries sitting on doorsteps (drink their downfall) do the same; can't be dealt with, she felt positive, by Acts od Parliment for that very reason: they love life.  In people's eyes, in the swing, tramp and trudge; in the bellow and the uproar: the carriages, motor cars, omnibuses, vans, sandwich men shuffling and swinging; brass bands; barrel organs; in the triumph and the jingle and the strange high singing of some airplane overhead was what she loved: life; London; this moment in June.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> Sometimes taking off can open your eyes</div> <div> to everything that lies in your heart</div> <div> cause that's when you miss your home</div> <div> and the trees seem a little deader</div> <bR> <div> Two days in this house...havnt left once....it makes me insain....you need the outer world and superficiality in your life in order to balance out the fucked up thoughts and truths that drive u too madness...otherwise we would all jump out windows like Septimus......well this "outer stimulation" thats confined to my room is not very good.....iv been left alone to my thoughts and studying which is not healthy....haha i dont know how people can isolate themselves the way they do...when i feel depressed i have an inclination to do this...but i know it would only make things worse....so i need to get out tonight....and my own mental instability is my excuse....:)</div> <div> This is also my reason for wanting to get out of ct and go to college someplace farrr.....Once a girl gets out of the town shes lived in her whole life and begins to experience bits and peices of places beyond Ct....u cant just confine her to one little box fo a state.  Spain, france, egypt, mexico, virgin islands.....well thats not very many places and i wanna see it all before i die.....theres so much left out there and i feel so far from it all...so left out.  Despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage.....haha...so let me leave this fucking place!!! its stunting my growth!!</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> When you have found a high for which there are no drawbacks or hangovers, then you have found your purpose in life</div> <bR> <div> I would like to take this time to bitch about the current state of the music industry...of mtv, the boy bands, the teenage girl pop singer and nu-metal.....money money money...image minimal talent....its not music! its fabricated crap that is created in order to take the money of little teenage girls and boys....why do people sell into it?  People make their rock idols on bands that are concerned more with the market then the actual artistry and message of the music itself....all sounds the same...aaahh! I am also curious why there hasnt been a music revolution happening?  Each decade seems to bring in a new era in music...classic rock, disco, big hair bands, grunge....but how long has it been since the pop music obsession has come around?  AWHILE...so cmon people...lets get some new musicians out there....lets get some good stuff on those shelves....</div> <div> Some bands that too many people think are cool....</div> <div> Incubus....used to be good but then they went from innovative harder rock mixed with turn tabelism into softened pop lite shit...why did u have to do that to me??</div> <div> Sum41...."i dont wanna waste my time..become another casualty of society"....MY ASS!  How perfect a song about anti-conformity done by a band conforming to the new "pop punk" scene......punk is not pop and is not played daily on mtv....not conforming does not involve modeling yoruself after an already famous blink182.....while everyone is trying to express their individuality by rejecting other forms of pop culture...they are just sercumbing to another type...another trend that requires u to wear this or that if u wanna be "punk"....well sorry to break it to ya kids but thats not punk!</div> <div> DMB.....here is an example of a band that was trying to be as good as a band like phish or alman bros....u fail! ya the guys who play the actual instruments are talented....but dave mathews himself....his voice isnt even good!!!! it irritates me....and all their songs sound alike (well ok some of the bands i like have this all songs sound similar thing) but dont run around saying theyre music is so innovative and special!</div> <div> So baisicly what im saying is that if u want some real music...either check out old bands or convert to indie.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> Six is having problems </div> <div> Adjusting to his clone status </div> <div> Have to put him on a shelf </div> <div> All day long we hear him crying so loud </div> <div> I just wanna be myself!!!</div> <bR> <div> So i am the master of pocrastination......im trying to study the invisable man, hamlet, mrs dalloway (aswome book), tonio , hedda gabler and crime and punishment.  I only have 2 books....so what do i do? give up and come play on my webpage...yeaaah...Leah B....last night we decided that it would be really cool for NIN to write a song on Hamlet.....shakespearian theme and dialect combined with the stylings of NIN's dark industrial influence....how fucking aswome would that be????</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> cool kids never have the time</div> <div>  </div> <div> Today is the day after Valentines day....a day filled with artificial signs of love and musch that hardley outlasts the boquet of roses that cost you 20$ and the hassle of negotiating with a florist that speaks broken english.  What's the point?  To celebrate love?  Why not celebrate love every day?  I love my friends and every day I'm thankful for them....ya they can get on my nerves sometimes, i fight with them too....sometimes i may not even talk with them for a year....but they always reapear in my mind.  When I bitch about one of my little budies to someone else I always add in at the end that it's ok cause I still love um and I'm sure things will pass.  Valentine's day is more of a compitition.....a test for the boyfriends to see if they "really care about me" and can come up with some beautiful, original and time consuming gift that makes you want to cry and tell all your friends about him.  There are other ways they show that they care girls....Its also a marketing compitition....will i buy godiva chocolates or some other brand?  And all this pink and red????!!!! all thsoe hearts????!!!  If someone ate a hallmark card and threw it up it would look like Valentines Day.</div> <div>         Take um out to dinner, write them a song, buy them a card.....can't you show you love someone by being there for them every day???  Not to many people can do even that....including myself.  And all these whiny people who complain cause they don't have a significant other on valentines day....well you know what...your lucky cause u dont have to waste time/ money on coming up with something thats the equivelant of hallmark card throw up.  Plus are you overlooking the fact that there are different kinds of love in the world??? like family and friends?</div> <div>         Well i guess lets just blame it on our society built on consumerism and the individual...I, My , ME.....or maybe we should all take a second look....and condemn this ridiculous holiday once and for all.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> before the rites of spring </div> <div> come to mean all things </div> <div> a little taste of what may come </div> <div> a mere glimpse of what has gone </div> <div> cause for the moment we are free </div> <div> we seek to bind our release </div> <div> too young to die, too rich to care </div> <div> too fucked to swear that i was there</div> <bR> <div> Whenever im not smiling people ask me "Barbara are you ok?"  No I'm not OK!!!!!  When im ok I have permacheese...even in my sleep!!!!!  Usualy when im not smiling I'm contemplating...or sometimes I'm neither good nor bad...just inbetween....or bored.  if i am upset that's fine....The sweet is nothing without the sour.  If there was no pain in the world we wouldn't appreciate the extacies of extreme happieness (I can't spell i know).   And also from pain and depression derives some of the most beautiful things that the human race has to offer......paintings, sculptures, music, writing, poetry, film......and i could go on and on....Even september 11th.....as tragic as it may have been...has deffinitly brought out alot of good in Americans.  People have begun to open their eyes to the world around them.  Everyone is reascessing their priorities and coming together in a patriotic symphany.  If we didn't experience pain....Smashing Pumpkins would never have created such amazing songs and masterpeices.  Without pain no one would appreciate a breath taking sunset or even simple things such as the ability to walk or to sing and dance (i feel like a hippie).  So in the end....I'm glad we have pain in the world.....and if you see me not smiling in the hallway one day...let me enjoy my misery.  </div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> so may you come with your own knives </div> <div> you'll never take me alive </div> <div> with all the force of what is true </div> <div> is there nothing I can do?</div> <bR> <div> Can someone please tell me whats up with these people i dont know sending me chain letters and shit??? I'm so sick of getting those Personal survey things...ya u know the ones....ask your name, where u live...what kidna garden tool u wanna be.....i mean cmon....that was like so 5 yrs ago....haha...no seriously tho....im sorry...marcy from ohio....i dont care what your dogs name is or whether u like hats on your boys or not......i dont think iv filled out one of those things since.....freshman yr maybe.....the days where i was an online nerd......ok so maybe im an online nerd now too....come to think about it....isnt this web page like one big personal survey only much longer and more tedious.....THE HYPOCRACY.......well at least this one has color and pictures!!!!! Ya buddy thats right....listen up....STOP SENDING ME THOSE STUPID EMAILS!!!!.....unless u are cool and include pics of random fucks and pompous bitches (had to get that in there)......................The end.</div> <bR> <div> This isn't the way we planned I wasn't supposed to forget your taste Like nights spent figuring all the ways that we came to this place </div> <bR> <div> Last night I dreamt you called from Costa Rica The place you've been for the last two weeks You said, "I miss you, oh sweet boy, and will you come on down?" I woke up to my cold sheets and the smell of New Jersey When do I get to wake up to you? Today I can't forget that I've got these open wounds It's such a drag I can't forget you've gone My ribs have parted ways They said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have." Oh no, what can I do? My lungs are breathing open air And my spleen is dripping from my pants You've left me here in the cold And I miss you You never told me it would be this hard I think my body's saying so When you're not here, it's leaving me But I hope that you're o.k. Even though I'm dying I hope that you're still trying to have a killer time Go see the volcanoes Go see the rainforests I'll be fine by myself I'll be fine without these bones.</div> <bR> <div> Let me take this awkward saw And run it against your thighs Cut some flesh away I'll carry this piece of you with me Because all I can say tonight is that I hate you But it would be all right If we could see each other sometime If I could somehow make you mine And if not I'll take my rusty spoons And dig out your blue eyes I'll swallow them down to my colon They're gonna burn like hell tonight Because you're beautiful Just not on the inside Light comes from within And your beaming eyes don't seem so bright My heart is on the floor Why don't you step on it? When I think of all the things you've done</div> <div> Boardwalks and breaking waves Made our Saturdays I'd buy you lemonade right now if you were here But then I'd throw it in your face And I'd listen to you cry And I'd remember how I miss our nights under ocean skies You and I are like when fire and the ocean floor collide. </div> <bR> <bR> <div> the troubled times when my mind begins to wander to the spoon and I got you because you're there to bend and nurture me through these troubled times cuz the fix begins to twist my troubled mind and I got you to paint the sorrow on my day and I got you to paint the roses on my grave and I got you I got you but it's the feeling that I get when you're away twist my mind cuz when I'm alone and cold I feel like dyin' and I got you to fill the craving that I get inside my mind when you're there to fill the space I have inside</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>